Cutthroat Power Rankings: 'Czech Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself'

A detailed power ranking coming up as soon as I kill you in your face...

Very solid start to a season that is guaranteed to bring more blood, sweat and other bodily fluids than any other challenge before. We had some surprises. We had some usual occurrences. We had Dan's snot all up on the TV screen.

The episode starts with the divvying up of the teams, led by the 'captains' (the final three to reach the Gulag: Emilee, Shauvon and Camila).

'Captain O Face'

After the divvy up, I gotta say the teams look pretty even. All three have their weak links and saavy veterans. Hopefully this means that there will be even competition all around, with the weaklings being destroyed at the start (more on that later).

Loved the first night of drinking. Why do these people turn into WWE superstars when they drink? Also, the budding romance between sociopaths Abram and Cara Maria has some amazing potential. If either of these two are thrown into a Gulag, there's going to be hell to pay from their equally insane counterpart.

They're like synchronized drinkers.

While the cast was debating the first challenge clue, my brother scoffed at the idea that tear-gas would be used in a challenge. 'What a bunch of idiots,' he said. Oh brother. You naive-Challenge n00b. Tear Gas or GTFO!

EDIT: My brother says:

'I'm sure I said 'what a bunch of idiots,' but it wasn't because they thought it would be tear gas. It was because they were going to run into a room filled with tear gas for what amounts to 2k per person.'

I'll go more in-depth on the actual challenge with the power rankings, so let's move on to the after-challenge drinking celebration which included the emergence of the 'Mean Girl Mob Squad', Theresa, Katie and Jenn. This three-headed beast of estrogen is going to do some damage. Katie and Jenn have already solidified themselves as the residential bitches, but I think that Theresa's foray with Wes last season really rubbed off on her. I haven't seen a trio of witchiness like this since the Sanderson sisters in the 93' Disney movie, Hocus Pocus:

Now onto the rankings.

1. Abram

Sociopath. Leader. Children's book author. Abram easily leapfrogged to the #1 spot after a near-banner episode. He's teeming with potential. After completely hijacking the gas chamber challenge, Ayiia said 'he's definitely a leader, its in his blood.' You're goddamned right, you over-voweled nutjob. Abram did everything right in the premiere episode. He laid the groundwork for a Clozapine-fueled hook up session with Cutty-McMultipierce, established alpha-male status and chugged some booze doing it. Well done, sir, welcome to the top of the mountain.

2. Derrick

Not the strongest opening for the Pollock-Pitbull, but it'll do. He pulled his weight and was completely professional. Just a shame that his team panicked so hard at the puzzle section of the challenge. We're still at the 'trim-the-fat' portion of this challenge, so he'll continue to be at the top.

3. Brad

What did Brad do in the offseason? He got WIFE'D UP!

With his wifey on board, I feel like Brad really has a shot for some cash here. It all depends on the morale of the team - especially with the worthlessness that is Chet still around. The double-win in the Gulag will help.

4. Tori

Amazing motherly instinct swooping in to help Camila after the Sanderson sisters tee'd off on her. Everyone loves the mom-figure. She's also well respected and was one of the first women picked at the start of the show. Plus, it's cool to have Brad at three and Tori at four.

5. Dunbar

First one picked! Power move for the newly crowned Reality-Sex Scene Pornstar. Dunbar is focused, man. Competed well, seen making time for his bottom-barrel bitch Paula, and generally having a good time. Stay focused, man.

6. Johnny Bananas

What a great narcissist. As he spoke about himself to the camera after the teams were assembled, he pretty much appointed himself the alpha male. Sorry Johnny, that title belongs to my boy Ab, but you're going to make a great Captain. Every Tony needs a Christopher, and your wild flare ups are definitely Chrissy-worthy. Just don't hit any girls, mkaythxbai.

7. Laurel

I know I gushed my love for this girl in last week's rankings. But after showing weakness by trying to pick on a FAR inferior opponent/teammate, Shauvon, I've dropped her three spots. I also heard that if you want the girl you like to like you, you have to be a prick, so how about you drop a few pounds as well, Laurel?

....

Sorry babe, you're still the HBIC (head bitch in charge).

8. Sarah

I like her gameplay on the first episode. She was part of the winning team and has started to distance herself from the weak links already. She's doing just fine, however, would it have killed her to have some drunken makeout sessions in the first episode? Sexually confused girls' lips aren't going to kiss themselves.

9. Jenn

One of the Sanderson sisters - she's playing her cards right with alliances. Did her part and kept it real. Keeping steady.

10. Dan

Cracking the top-ten because he let it all hang out - literally and figuratively. He's fearless to the point where a little snot or cool night breeze won't stop him. Still not drinking, but hopefully that won't make people sick of him. It's like being the only clean cop on a force full of dirty pigs. Think Lietuennant Gordon in Batman Begins or Pacino in Serpico - he needs to tread lightly.

11. Melinda

'This is my first time being single on one of these shows.'

12. Brandon

The reasons Brandon dropped three slots are threefold:

1. No drunken escapades.

2. Was voted into the Gulag.

3. Did not handle Derek as easily as one would hope.

Hopefully he can represent the power rankings a little bit better next episode.

'It's fun to play with Abram cuz he's as screwed up as I am'

13. Cara Maria

With the biggest jump this week, Cara Maria is in the top 15 by making one of the smartest decisions she's probably ever made, shacking up with America's favorite rage-filled kids book author, Abram. She was part of the winning team and now that I've gotten to know her a little bit more, I like her.

Jeff Ake's take on her rise in the rankings: 'Vertical integration through sexual proxy. I dig.'

14. Luke

Luke's moving up on the list for the simple fact that it seems as though everyone really likes him. He was friendly, all smiles, drank like a champ, and competed well. He may be small, but he's got the charisma to stick around.

15. Theresa

This spunky little firecracker has jumped some spots because her swagger rating is through the roof. Drama is comin' in hot for this one and she doesn't give a shit. There's going to be a point where she'll have to put up or shut up, and I think she's got what it takes to back it up. Somewhere in the bowels of hell, her former flame is approving:

16. Ty

Most athletic out of the rest of the guys and seemed to be enjoying himself. To be honest, he moved up on the rankings because everyone else moved down.

17. Vinny

Holy shit, did you hear this guys accent? He missed the Jersey Shore by 2,000 miles! This is the Gulag bro, it's not TTTTEEEE SHIIIRRRTTT TTIIIIMMMEEE.

18. JD

Did I mention this dude trains dolphins? HE TRAINS DOLPHINS.

19. Tyler

Tyler drops on the rankings for the simple fact that he completely blew it on the Gas Chamber challenge. He still has his evil-dark side mind tricks, but he's going to have to better than this:

20. Paula

Everyone, welcome Paula to the top twenty! I was apprehensive in the pre-season about this one, but she seems like she's finally 'getting it.' Her direct quote:

'It [winning] is about being the most souless, conniving, cuttroat person you can be, to anyone and everyone.'

Thata girl. Make me proud.

21. Eric

He lost 35 pounds? Where? He still looks as chunky as the Staypuft Marshmellow Man. He was last picked and no one respects him. See ya, Easy.

22. Katie

It's fitting to have the two last picked by the Captains bunched together. She'd be lower if she wasn't one of the Sanderson sisters. Also, is it just me or have her wammys grown exponentially?

23. Mandi

Gonna be honest - not a lot of love for Mandi in the Captain's picks or screen time - this worries me. Whatever Wes-love rub off that Theresa picked up did not transfer to Mandi.

24. Ayiia

My pick for rookie of the year has definitely lost some stock with the asthma secret out of the bag. Hopefully she can compete in the rest of the challenges because if she looks like dead weight shes Gulag bound until she's gone.

25. Camila

Not looking good for this chick. Thrown in the first Gulag, called out for being a clepto, and now has the Sanderson sisters on her tail. Make or break episode next week.

26. Emily

Who is this?

27. Shauvon

Ugh. This poor idiot. 'Shut up or I'll kill you in your face.' Really? She's Gulag bound after gray loses their first challenge.

28. Chet

Do you think it's hit him that he is completely over his head at this point of the competition? I'm assuming it's going to be the first highly-competitive physical challenge, but at a certain point, he's going to be laying in bed in the fetal position praying to that crazy Ute who came up with Mormonism.

And a cheery goodbye to Derrek and Emilee - who represented Real World Cancun as well as a couple of Victoria Secret models would rep the Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest.

PEACE