Cutthroat Power Ranking: Hell Hath No Fury

This week America celebrates Thanksgiving - a time when we look back and be thankful for everything we've been blessed with. It's also a holiday founded on the annihilation of a culture, the genocide of an entire population, and the destruction of the environment.

Last week's episode of Cutthroat, titled Hell Hath No Fury, showed the annihilation of women's clothing (thanks Laurel), the genocide of a team (Red), and the destruction of a Challenge (Gimme A Hand). Let's begin first with what I'm thankful for:

Nice ass-tat.

This should really be a Challenge on its own.

Laurel showing her enthusiasm for Thanksgiving by dressing like a Native American.

Paula's strongest assets at the Challenge.

It was as if my early Thanksgiving prayers were answered with an amazing skins-match between Laurel and Paula. Of course it happened during Dunbar's b-day party, it's like the Real World pornstar exudes angry sex.

Believe it or not, Paula's shirt wasn't the only piece of woman's clothing that was destroyed by the Amazonian. Laurel also hunted out Cara Maria's piece in the hot tub as well:

REVERSE HULK!

We also watched more of the Red Team's self-genocide when their final Gulag sacrificial lamb Camila was sent home. Now let's get to the destruction of the Gimme A Hand challenge with the rankings.

1. Derrick/2. Bananas

A truly stellar outing from Bert and Ernie this week. After Derrick took the reigns and put himself in the Gulag a few weeks ago, it was Bananas' turn to step up and show why the Blue team is probably the top dog at this point.

Johnny didn't disappoint. He carried Theresa through the first run (out of anyone) and then teamed up with his hetero-life partner Derrick to finish the challenge. Having Derrick and Bananas on the same team seems illegal. It's like when all the really stellar athletes in elementary school had to be captains in P.E. so they'd be on different teams. Let's check out the remaining men:

Blue:

-Bananas

-Derrick

Gray:

-Abram

-Luke

Red:

-Brad

-Dunbar

-Tyler

You gotta give the advantage to Blue. Sure, there's an argument for Red, but the fact remains that they don't have a leader. Brad should be the leader, but his balls have been securely placed in Tori's purse, so he can't lead.

And while it may be a mood point, you gotta love Bert and Ernie's double-team to on Camila to have her start throwing Challenges.

Veteran moves get veteran paychecks. They're 1 and 2.

3. Abram

Abram is such a god damn beast, he doesn't just slay at Challenges - he brings a unique perspective and method to each one. It's kind of like watching Roy Jones Jr. box in his prime or Batman get out of all the crazy death traps.

In the Gimme A Hand Challenge, Abe swung around the ropes like he was in the trapeze. It was like Tarzan carrying a highly volatile Jane.

Half Kama Sutra, Half Pilates

If it wasn't for Luke and Cara Maria, I'd have Grey at the top of the leader board. But Grey is looking a little too slim at the moment. This will probably change in the next two episodes before the final Challenge, but at this point, Blue has the edge.

4. Jenn

I've been catching some flack for having Jenn so high up on the list, but this is a power ranking and she is the most powerful chick on the Blue team. They won (again) and with two episodes left, even if Blue loses the next two Challenges, Emily and Theresa are still going in. She has pretty much secured a spot in the final challenge at this point.

5. Brad

The Red Team looks like shit, straight up. I'm getting slightly worried about Brad's standing as an asset to the Red Team. Dunbar popped his Gulag cherry, so I'm not sure if he'll get the next one off if Red loses. On top of that, the only other male in the mix is Tyler, and that sly dog will Jedi Mind his way out of the Gulag.

Solid move refusing to attempt the Gimme A Hand Challenge though - it took the arsenal out of the other Red team members campaigning to get Bonnie and Clyde in the Gulag.

6. Sarah

Huge shift in power for all the ladies. With Camila out, the strength for the females has shifted between team. Let's see the ladies that are left:

Grey

-Sara

-Laurel

-Cara Maria

Red

-Tori

-Paula

Blue

-Jenn

-Emily

-Theresa

I'd say Grey is the strongest in the female department. Tori and Paula are screwed (more Paula than Tori) and stacked up against Grey, Blue is weaker. Sarah moves up in the rankings because she'll be safe next week no matter what. The squabble between Laurel and Cara Maria will take the spotlight if they ever lose again.

7. Tyler

I can see Tyler making it all the way to the final challenge, and to be honest, if he was on my team for the finale, I'd be fairly confident. He's a smart dude and I think his competitive nature would keep him going til the end of the final challenge. Dunbar will probably go in from here on out.

8. Emily

I have no idea how this happened. Emily has no business being so high up but this rookie has shown awesome strength in her first year. She makes out with other girls, brought the rage out of Ty, and whipped Melinda's ass in the Gulag. Plus, she has a Gulag-buffer in Theresa. Tack on the fact that Blue is on a roll and has a good chance of winning one out of the next two challenges, and it seems that Emily is final challenge bound her first year in.

Plus there's the fact that she now lives in the Colorado mountains working as a barista and riding everyday. She's officially on my good side. Emily, I salute you.

9. Tori

The Red Team is down to Tori and Paula for the ladies. Not good considering Red lost its mojo about 4 episodes ago. Paula will be going in to the Gulag the next time they lose but it means nothing to Tori if they don't win one of the next two challenges. She might be the mama of Team Red, but she's going to have to prove it if Red doesn't pull an upset.

10. Laurel

I was as shocked as anyone else when Laurel got chucked in the Gulag. It didn't make sense to me. Sure, Abram is the top-dog and will represent for his chick, but I really didn't picture Dan and Luke swaying that way. No worries though, she got her worst Gulag scenario and still came out on top. Plus, being this close to the money means that Cara Maria will be heading to the Gulag.

11. Dunbar

No surprise seeing Dunbar sent into the Gulag and I see him going in every time from here on out. The Tyler-Brad-Tori alliance means that Paula and Dunbar are going in.

12. Luke

Luke is another competitor in win-or-go-in-Gulag mode. With the Dice Gulag happening last week, it means that the next two are going to be extremely physical and his match ups against Dunbar/Bananas means he's cooked. Solid run for Luke, but my guess is that he won't see the finish line.

13. Theresa

I meditated on how the final three ladies should be ranked for a solid twenty minutes. They're all up for Gulag, and they're all pretty evenly matched. So why is Theresa higher than Paula and Cara Maria? Because she's a bitch and was brought up under the tutelage of Wes. If/when she goes in, I feel like she'll destroy.

14. Paula

Fairly certain she hasn't been this close to a win before. She's going to have to earn her spot and with all three of these broads, it's pretty much a coinflip.

15. Cara Maria

Is it just me or does Cara Maria kind of look like pornstar Sasha Grey's latin cousin? I definitely see it, and trust me, with the amount of screen time I've seen from both of these women, I can be considered an expert on the subject.

No matter how good Cara Maria's pornstar looks or pornstar skills with Abram are, I think she'll be going into the Gulag if Grey loses. On top of that, I think Paula is hungrier and Theresa is stronger.

Now, we have a break this week for Thanksgiving, but we did get a good preview for next Wednesday. Let's check the screens:

Trouble in paradise?

A Grey Team Loss?

THE RETURN.

Cutthroat Power Ranking: Where the Red Team Blows

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. After six challenges and Gulags which showed Team Red's stellar game play and unity, the wheels have come off. No more domination. No more cohesiveness. No more Brandon to throw into the Gulag. We are halfway through this season of The Challenge and it seems that Red peaked way too early to be a factor in the finals.

This week's episode, fittingly titled 'Where the Red Team Blows'*, saw the Red Team lose not only two players to the Gulag, but a third to medical issues as well. Sorry you freaky Mormon, it's time for you to go!

*This is an analogy to one of the sadder books I read as a kid, Where the Red Fern Grows. It's about dogs being killed. Much like Brandon being taken out back and put down via Gulag.

How ominous was it hearing TJ tell Chet that head injuries were serious? If he only knew that a few months later he'd be in a medically induced coma due to a massive concussion himself.

Chet finally got the bounce. He also got his greatest contribution in with 'I'd rather get circumcised with a rusty spoon than be sent home this way.' Who knew the little freak could whip out sentences like that?

What's more, Chet was extremely well-liked by his team. They were devestated he was leaving, as displayed by Dunbar's epic 'Rapey-Face' as he heard the news:

'Wanna check out my sweet van?'

After losing their peppy, virgin-mascot, Team Red was a complete shit show in the Sky Hook challenge, leading the way for Gray and Blue to have quite the battle. Let's get to the rankings just to see how bad Red blew it this week.

1. Abram

Everyone's favorite children's book author is back at the one spot after being a 'Harlem Globetrotter' in the Sky Hook Challenge. An incredible performance by Gray anchored by Abram. With the numbers evened out, it looks like the Gray Team is now the strongest squad. Something also needs to be said about body shots.

These two are the Brad and Angelina of Cutthroat

Abram's strength is leading by example. If he steers clear of trying to dictate what his teammates do and focuses on what he is doing (which in turn will show his squad what they should do), they'll have a easy path to the final. It also helps when he rocks shots of tequila off of Cara Maria's pleasantly flat tummy.

2. Jenn

Jenn continues to impress. She reminds me of Derek Jeter this season - dependable, exciting to watch and still spry while having veteran status. Her contributions this episode were definitely coaching Blue through a respectable showing at Skyhook and her squabble with Paula at the end of the episode.

The perfect Jenn pic: low cut top, angry, and holding booze. Trifecta of awesome.

Emily and Theresa are still in the mix for Blue, so Jenn has the two spot with Red tanking the way they did. Blue is lean and mean - and Jenn might actually be steering the ship for the time being.

3. Dan

Two huge back-to-back wins for Gray and the Iraqi War Veteran shows why sobriety isn't such a bad thing.* He's got a kickass haircut, he's got Luke as his Gulag buffer, and the Gray team looks solid on all ends. Let's look at their lineup:

-Abram (1 spot - obvious Boss Don and stellar competitor)
-Dan (Sober War veteran)
-Luke (Pot smoking extreme sports adrenaline junky)
-Sarah (Bisexual tattooed and heavily pierced emo brawler)
-Laurel (Amazonian bitch)
-Cara Maria (Latin nutjob)

It's as if a corny 80s undercover cop show fucked a washed up Survivor competitor and had the Gray Team as an illegitimate child. Dan is easily co-captain of this party, so it's safe to say he should be in the top five of the rankings.

*I'm currently drinking beers in my office. So take that for what it's worth.

4. Brad

If Cutthroat was the stock market, I'd be telling you to sell all of your stock in Red. They're nearing disaster status, hence Brad dropping 3 spots to number four. In a shocking move, Camila voted Brad into the Gulag, cohesively writing her own fate to be Gulag bound every single time.

Red is screwed, but Brad is untouchable. No one on Red (in their right mind) is going to vote him in. Dunbar and Tyler are still up for grabs, so Brad is still in my top five. This will probably change next week depending how far Red continues to slide, but for now, he's still in a respectable position on his team. Even though the team looks like shit now.

5. Tori

Tori got a ton of face time this episode, but it was mainly for the wrong reasons. Her team is combusting and the married couple is the main reason for it. With the team dwindling, there might be some bucking on the two headed beast that is Brori - and they know it. To counter this, Camila was targeted this week for voting Brad into the Gulag.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. That's a wifey doing her job and having her man's back. It might not be the best decision throwing her team into disarray over one meaningless vote, but the fact is that Team Red is anchored on Brori, so these two are still repping top five status. Something also needs to be said that she has still yet to receive a vote into The Gulag.

6. Sarah

The bisexual tattooed and heavily pierced emo brawler jumps into the top ten after showing an incredible rah rah performance at Sky Hook. Every good team needs someone encouraging and talking them through their struggles - and Sarah did just that. This is her, what, third Challenge and she's already cemented herself as a top-tier competitor? I feel like she has clout over Cara Maria AND Laurel, so she gets a well-deserved bump.

7. Tyler

The other Red Team member who didn't receive a vote into The Gulag. His Jedi mind games are unparalleled. How the hell does he keep flying under the radar and not get any flack for the losses? It boggles the mind. OH WAIT - HE MANIPULATED THE GAME YET AGAIN. It was hard to see, but when the Red Team was deliberating to see who'd take the shots in Sky Hook, it was Obi-wan himself who forced the issue on Brandon.

'Heyyyyyyyy - you're black, right? Maybe you should take the shots'

This dude will mind game the fuck out of Dunbar before going into the Gulag himself. Quote me on it.

8. Paula

Ms. Skatman herself! Loved her quick scoobidy-skee-skop jazz breakdown in her drunken argument with Jenn:

Skee-bee-bee-boop-doop-doo-ya!

Paula moves up on the ranking this week just for the fact that Camila has horrifically placed herself in the line of Gulag votes from here on out.

9./10. Bananas and Derrick

Bert and Ernie had a terrific effort this week. While they came up short, we got to see some vintage Derrick in the Gulag. He's a god damn beast and the last person I'd want to see in the pit. What's more amazing is that Derrick might be the biggest class act on the show. After sweeping Brandon with a 5-0 handcuff victory, he gave the young gunner some encouragement:

Awesome to see. Johnny also had a productive week as well. He's going in the next time Blue loses, but something tells me that isn't going to happen next week. Blue is too pissed off to lose another one.

11. Laurel

God damn you Laurel, God damn you to hell. I had such disdain for this gorgeous, tall, closest-to-Wonder-Woman-we'll-see-in-the-Challenge competitor after her belligerent breakdown on Eric, but she's playing too good and is too god damn adorable to stay mad at.

'Back off'

Will do.

12. Dunbar

Dunbar lost his two Gulag buffers, Chet and Brandon, on the same day. On top of that, he lost them while his team is at it's low point - which is a worst-case scenario. There seems to be an alliance with Brori and Tyler, so Dunbar is Gulag bound with Red's next loss. Something tells me that is sooner rather than later.

13. Luke

Would love to put Luke higher on this list, but the fact remains that he is the low man on Gray's totem pole. Stacked up against Ab and Dan, he is just too fresh to be placed any higher. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan, but I don't see him going to the final challenge.

14. Emily

How dare she knock my girl out of the competition. HOW DARE HER. The only reason I didn't put her in the cellar was because she earned her due to stay out of the next Gulag for Blue.

15. Theresa

Speaking of which, T-Dawg is Gulag bound for the next loss. If she goes in against Cara Maria, there's a chance. If she goes against Camila, she's donezo.

16. Cara Maria

Cara Maria isn't receiving much respect from her teammates and this worries me. Sure, she is still hooking up with #1 haus, but that's one vote out of six. If you look at it this way, here would be the logical break down of Gulag votes for the females:

-Abram would vote Laurel
-Cara Maria would vote Laurel
-Laurel would vote Cara Maria
-Sarah would vote Cara Maria
-Dan would vote Cara Maria
-Luke would vote Cara Maria

She's going in next.

17. Camila

Good work, ya dummy. Why the hell would she tell Brad that she voted him in? On top of the fact that she's hooking up with Bananas, she votes for the captain of the Red Team. What a dummy.

Herp. Derp.

Tori is going to stick to her guns and send this reh reh into the Gulag until she's out. She might be a good competitor, but she is absolute garbage in the psychological aspects of the game.

Perhaps one of the brighter spots of this episode was the sneak peek at what's to come later this season. Luckily I screen-shoted all the awesomeness for you kiddies:

Yes.

YES!

YESSSS!!!!

YESSSSSS!!!!!!

And I fucking quote: 'I don't know what I'm doing here, they just let me out of my cage.'