Cutthroat Power Ranking: 'Swat the Hell?'

Earlier this month, Bill Simmons (ESPN's comedic writer) had TJ Lavin on his 'BS Report' podcast to discuss The Challenge: Cutthroat. When asked about the segment producers, Lavin said they are guys who grew up with the show, studied the show, analyzed the show, and pretty much made sweet love to the show. It was because of this dedication, Lavin said, that we now have the best challenges and elimination matches to date on Cutthroat.

This week's episode, 'Swat the Hell?' brilliantly demonstrated the producers' genius. Every aspect of competition was violent, psychotic, and generally awesome. The cast knows it too - when TJ popped into the mansion to have Luke and Easy shave their faces, speculation for the elimination ranged from leeches to fire. Fucking leeches and fire. This is how rowdy this season has been - the cast actually believes that fire, leeches and even water boarding are viable options for the Gulag.

The 'Bottleneck Stampede' was like the NYC subway system on steroids, full of screaming women and touchy men.

Throw dem bows, Abram!

The elimination challenge, Swat, might have been the shining moment of the season so far (since we've yet to see CT). Bitch slaps are a dime a dozen on The Challenge, but when it's a producer-sanctionded smackdown, competitors can really go buck - and they did. Loved Big Easy's play for Luke's ear the whole time and Katie's determination to beat the vowels out of Ms. Vowel's mouth.

Without further adieu - your Cutthroat power ranking.

'The only thing I really want to do is with this challenge is go home with my wife with a pile of money'

1. Brad

Another phenomenal performance for this season's top-dog. Brad is relentless in his pursuit for duckets, and is 100% focused on his team's strength and position. He led Team Red to it's second consecutive win with leadership, tenacity, and talent.

'Protip: Get to the finish line first'

While Brad's display at the Bottleneck Stampede was truly impressive, it was the night after that showed why he deserves to be at the #1 spot. Drinks were flowing, wammys were out at the hot tub, and general frivolity was had.

And yet, Brad the leader that he is, was still in game mode, coaching his young Padawan Dunbar and alerting the team to Camila's scheming ways.

'Visual Confirmation of Arm-Touching' - A line that is mentioned more than you think on The Challenge.

He's thinking long term. He's thinking strategy. He's thinking. Good enough for the top of the mountain two weeks in a row.

2. Johnny Bananas

Johnny is firmly cementing himself as the uber villain of the season. He's like Barry Bonds, Mike Tyson, and Ben Roethlisberger rolled into one mildly retarded bro. With the Red team sweating his every move and the rest of the Blue team wrapped around his finger, Johnny is in the driver seat and making great moves. What kind of moves? Schemey, awesome moves.

It's the perfect double-dip. Get your rocks off with a curvaceous Brazilian while throwing your competition into disarray. What a prick - you gotta love it.

Maybe the douchiest move all season: Johnny telling Ty and Eric to 'lace up' and run laps to see who goes in the Gulag. Quite possibly one of the dumber things mentioned in a deliberation.

3. Derrick

Another strong week for my boy Derrick. He performed extremely well at the Bottleneck Stampede and wasn't above getting physical with the female competition. He sacrificed his body to stop the Gray team from advancing, and for a single vote, showed amazing loyalty to Eric.*

*That is until the tie, when he had to jump ship and make the questionable move.

It's now apparent that Johnny Bananas is steering the Blue team's ship, but Derrick is playing his cards right laying back in the cut. It's kind of like that Simpsons episode when a mafia war breaks out in Homer's front yard and there is a short, tiny Triad guy doing nothing in the back.

He's going to explode. We just have to wait it out and have popcorn on hand when it does.

4. Tori

Tori is holding her own in these challenges and representing a top-5 placement like a champ. It's adorable watching a couple grab an entire team by the balls and drag it in a positive direction. Brad and Tori are probably the greatest challenge couple to date. CT and Diem might have had more passion, but Brori are both elite players and unstoppable.

5. Abram

Let's give it up for Mr. Rico Beethoven! Necking with Cara Maria while tickling the ivory white keys. I love these two freaks. You have a dude covered in tattoos that look like they were drawn by a six-year-old and and a smokin' hot girl who has more beads and hair dye than actual hair.

While his team has hit a terrible losing streak, Abram is still safe - he's also starting to use his veteran skill sets and bringing out the cerebral factor of his game. By throwing a vote in for Sarah, Abram is planting seeds of doubt and confusing the weaker players (i.e. everyone else). Ruthless.

6. Jenn

Jenn continues to impress and was especially great this episode. Loved her hijacking Blue's deliberation and taking the reigns from Banana. While Johnny was trying to have Eric and Ty perform a 'run off', Jenn put the muddfuggin cards on the table, was truthful, and let people know the situation.

Let's not forget her alpha-female domination in the Bottleneck Stampede. 'You gotta be loud and you gotta be strong, and I'm both of those.' Great episode for Jenn and that is why she's moved into the six slot. Oh and she's looking good in a bikini:

7. Dunbar

Quote of the episode came from the guy who has a vocabulary of 37 words - go figure. '[The swat challenge] looks like a weird sex machine that TJ got out of the basement at Cara Maria's house.' Well said, Dunbar. Good win, too.

8. Tyler

Solid challenge for Tyler, who was a definite factor in Red's win. While I've been banking on Tyler's heinous mind games, he really showed up and pushed his team to the win. Also, it seems that Tyler is really good friends with Brad and Tori, so I don't see him going anywhere.

9. Dan

Slightly worried about Dan; he's one of three male players left on the Gray Team. With Abram not going anywhere, it's up to Luke or Dan. Dan seems like a straight-shooter, so if Gray doesn't win next week, he might offer himself up and give Luke the day off. He could also just mercilessly vote Luke in and keep him in the Gulag, but he's too new to determine what he'll do.

10. Paula

If you told me before the season got underway that Paula would crack my top-ten, I'd call you a filthy liar and wish your loved ones death.* However, being on the Red team and a veteran female are both qualities that go a long way this season. She's playing great and her meltdowns have been limited. Oh wait.....

Vintage Paula.

She's still having a good season and the way Red is playing, I don't see anything stopping her from making it to the end. Melinda and Camila are both lined up to be Gulag bound before her, so as long as she doesn't pull a massive mistake, she's safe. Welcome to the top ten you adorable bundle of mental disorders!

*I take my Challenges very seriously.

11. Laurel

I'm taking this bitch out of the doghouse because I'm a sucker for mean girls and the tirade on Eric didn't seem to have much of an impact on her standing at the mansion. This establishes two things:

1. She really is a stellar competitor. She's a big girl and athletic; she'll crush at the Gulag if she has to go.
2. When you're in a house with dozens of other morally questionable people, picking on the fat kid just isn't that big of a deal.

12. Sarah

Why the drop for everyone's favorite new female dominatrix? Because she's in the worst position possible; Abram's bad side. He caught up to her in the Bottleneck Stampede, and that was probably the biggest mistake she could've made. DO NOT GET ON THE ALPHA MALE'S BAD SIDE. I'd rather tuck my d between my legs and piss sitting down than get on Abram's bad side.

Okay, maybe not that far. Sarah can redeem herself with a great effort next week, but the fact of the matter is that with Cara Maria shacking up with Abram and Laurel being such a brooding female force, she may be Gulag bound soon. Not good.

13. Melinda

An open letter to Melinda....

Hey babe,
It's me. You must've got my last letter - great work this week! You really represented Red for the victory and were adorable in the process. I also noticed how concerned you were with the situation between Johnny and Camila; it's smart and that's why everyone loves you! Keep it up babe, and by the way, you looked great with that loose top and tiny shorts:

Now if you could take a page out of Ayiia's book that would be great:

I want everyone to look at this picture. Look at Tyler's face and then look at Eric's face. Which one is gay?

Yours,
Me

14. Cara Maria

If she wasn't having all sorts of awesome, freaky sex with Abram, she'd be lower. Big mistake crying during the Bottleneck Stampede. She's showed weakness, and with the pack-like mentality that these Challenges breed, the entire Gray team might outweigh Abram's personal vendetta and put Cara Maria in a Gulag where the pain doesn't also involve pleasure.

15. Brandon

Brandon flew under the radar this week which is probably a good thing. A win's a win and you can't fault him for still being one of the rooks on the team. The preview for next week looks like trouble for him though - he's got a possible physical altercation with Ty and needs assistance in the water during the competition. Keep your chin up, buddy.

16. Luke

The quintessential nice guy did a great job in the Gulag. Outsmarted the shit out of Big E with the baby taps during round 3. He's still at the bottom of the Gray Team's male standings, so he's going to have to use his smarts to see the final challenge. Still loved the fact that he wanted to go to the Gulag and was 'itching for a one on one battle.' Where did MTV find this weirdo?

17. Katie

I'm proud of Katie. She stepped up to the plate and voted herself in. She'll probably need to do that every time Blue loses to save face. The crazy thing is that this little firecracker might be psycho enough to fight her way through the rest of the Gulags to the final challenge.

Probably not though.

18. Theresa

What the hell happened to Theresa? She started the season with such promise, picking on weak rookies and making friends with Katie and Jenn (the other two of the Sanderson Sisters). Now she's quiet, gets no camera time, and has been completely hookup free. Step your game up or get in the Gulag, you're boring me.

19. Emily

Who is this? Ohhhh yeah, she's the rookie who made out with Paula. Remember that? That was awesome.

20. Camila

Sleeping with the enemy = challenge suicide. Simple as that. I hope Johnny Banana's cock was worth the thousands of dollars she could've got. With the Red team surging the way they are, along with their mental acuity and physical prowess, they are running on all cylinders. If they sense a weakness, they're going to eliminate it (especially Brad). She's toast.

21. Ty

Ty sucks, straight up. What a pathetic showing at the Bottleneck Stampede. Last place? Are you serious? This guys is jacked to hell and can't do what Paula can? Plus, he seems like such a prick that I don't understand why anyone would want to keep him there. With Eric out, he's next for Blue's vote for the Gulag. Plus, with the preview from next weeks episode, he's the most prominent candidate for the CT swap.

HURRRRRRR

22. Chet

Red team's weakest male link. He also wears glasses when he doesn't need to. He also has never touched a woman. He's also been seen in a neck brace being carted off in an ambulance during the 'this season on' promo. He's not going to make it.

And a solid goodbye to Big E and The Vowel. To E, keep getting on that grind and get in the best shape of your life so you can show these people what's up. To Vowel, you did a solid job in your first challenge, I hope it's not the last.

Cutthroat Power Ranking: 'Karma's a Bitch'

A detailed power ranking just as soon as I get a college textbook swung 30 feet at my face...

After a week long hiatus, the power ranking is back and couldn't have returned to a more volatile episode. Last week's 'Newbie Doobie Doo' saw the exit of the Mormon-lovin' Mandi and J.D. - a guy who trains dolphins. That's right - he swims with dolphins and teaches them various activities. Shockingly, however, working with slippery, cold mammals that have limited cognitive capacity didn't translate into an advantage in The Challenge.

This week's episode, 'Karma's a Bitch' was the strongest episode yet. It had one of the better challenges, two legitimate face injuries, and one amazing hot tub venture. Let's get right to it.

1. Brad

Brad and his band of misfits on the Red Team really came together and took one helluva challenge down - going first no less! As the male veteran and leader on the team, he kept everyone on track and pulled the W while Derrick and Abram's squads imploded. He's stable (WIFE'D UP), mellow, and hasn't been partaking in any binge drinking (especially in drama hotspots - hot tub, kitchen, grass).

If he plays his cards right, Brad can be the one alpha male who'll ride out the rest of the season at #1. Johnny Bananas, Abram and Derrick are all too unpredictable and confrontational. Brad seems like the steely veteran who has seen it all, can wade through the shit and pick his battles right. He's like Sugar Ray Leonard in the late 80s - slightly past his prime physically but mentally is pound for pound the best competitor.

2. Derrick

This psycho is wise-beyond his years. While Ty and Katie were going at it, Derrick sat back like a pimp and dropped knowledge on everyone.

'Some people just don't get it, they want to dabble (by tussling with Katie - ed.) and see what it's like, so...there you go.'

Five years ago Derrick would be in the thick of it, either breaking up the confrontation with Ty or consoling Katie. Nowadays D-money creeps in the back and let's everything ride out on it's own. Smart play if you want to reach the final challenge.

3. Johnny Bananas

While Brad and Derrick take the stoic, 'speak softly and carry a big stick' approach, Bananas yells his way to safety. He picks on women (Paula can loosely be called a woman - damaged girl might be more appropriate), gets in bar fights (I'd love to brawl with an Eastern European local), and at the end of the day, is still considered strong. This alone is impressive enough to leave him at the top.

No one is getting in his way any time soon. They're all a little too frightened at this point.

4. Tori

Winning team. Husband in the one spot. Good enough to make the top five. The boom-mike holder on the production team has had more screen time than her, but that's fine. Keep lurking in the shadows until the final challenge.

5. Abram

Abram has completely blown it as leader the last few episodes. Two weeks ago he took himself, the strongest competitor on the team, out of the competition to 'coach' the gray squad. Colossal error. This week he held Shauvon's hand like a small child while she forced the entire team to take a DQ. Abram really needs to get back on track and strike some fear in his soldiers. Coddling Shauvon was pointless and pathetic; at least give your team a chance to win. Next week's competition looks like it has the setting for him to excel, but we'll have to see if he brings his A-game to the table.

6. Sarah

Sarah is quietly rising as an elite Challenge warrior. She always shows up for the challenges and will call people out if they don't. Eye of the Tiger can't begin to describe this sexually-confused women's ferocity; it's uncanny. Her most underrated talent came through in this week's episode when she refused to take any chances and talked Shauvon out of competing in the Gulag.

It was like the part in Crocodile Dundee when Paul Hogan hypnotizes the ox; Shauvon's brain couldn't take the barrage.

'Go to sleep, naw, y'hear?'

7. Dunbar

Dunbar has been quiet lately. He's letting others do the talking, has yet to have a questionable hookup, and was part of the winning team. Barring a fist fight or ginormous meltdown, he's going to ride this out until the veterans are forced to vote him into the Gulag to save themselves.

Everyone knows that CT is coming back for this challenge, but at which point and for whom is still up in the air. Dunbar is one of the people who I can see getting into a fight or kicked off the show (sexual assault being the main draw to this option) that brings CT in.*

*Others: Ty, Chet, Luke

8. Jenn

Keep on truckin' missy. She's yet to receive a single vote for a Gulag and backs her shit up on the battle field. She may drop a bit on the ranking if she continues this hook-up dry spell. Paula is getting more girl ass right now - I mean, what the hell, Jenn? That was your bread and butter and now you're acting like an elderly spinster. Someone get this woman some purple soda and rum to get her gears grinding.

9. Dan

I am really enjoying sober Dan. I thought his stint in recovery would be detrimental for his success in Cutthroat, but it's proven to be the opposite. He was the diffuser of the 'hot tub incident' (not the hot lesbian hook-up; the OTHER, more embarrassing incident), has been a solid #2 for Abram, is still having a good time, and has been seen commentating more than most.*

*By the way, that is a terrific gauge to see who ends up going far. If a challenger is narrating the show along, most times they are a fighter who makes it til the end.

10. Tyler

Tyler has been surging lately. He's currently on the winning team and seems to be the most self-aware person on the show. The dude plays the game like Bobby Fischer. This is how you know he's always thinking - during Katie and Emily's fight (before Katie moves onto Ty), Tyler calmly states 'Katie, she's (Emily) is a rookie, she has no say in the matter' (that matter being who is selected to go in the Gulag).

Taken at face value, this is true and correct, but it can also be viewed as a power play. He's standing up for a rookie (Emily might remember that and vote for another guy other than Tyler) and establishing his dominance as a veteran. You can't fool me, Tyler, you're strong.

11. Ty

During the bed challenge, Eric proved to be a bona fied leader by coaching his team through the jumps and acting as a cushy landing for the incoming projectiles. This of course, meant nothing when it came to Gulag voting since the extra lbs around the waist have gotten Eric into the permanent-Gulag-member-until-eliminated-position. This is why Ty is so high up on the list. Until Eric is eliminated, his team will continue to put him in, leaving Ty safe. Even threatening to hit a woman doesn't outweigh Eric's extra weight.

I'm sure his parents are proud.

12. Paula

If Reality TV was the board game Clue, the hot tub would be the scene of the crime 80% of the time.* Paula, who has been steadily rising from week one, continues her play to the top with the first lesbian hook up of the season. Paula, would you care to elaborate?

*other locations on the reality TV Clue board: confessional, shower, corner of bar, kitchen, roof, anything with a soft surface.

'Emily's cute. And there's beer. And a hot tub. It's the perfect combo.'

You're goddamned right it's the perfect combo. Paula has been on fire lately. Other than the kitchen meltdown with Johnny Bananas, she's doing great. Not a single Gulag vote and she's a sexual predator on the female rookies. Dunbar's bottom barrel bitch must be picking up on his creepy lessons. Oops did I just foreshadow a possible three-way with Paula, Dunbar and Emily? We can only pray.

13. Luke

Luke is staying steady and playing the game right. A few weeks ago he tested the waters for a possible hookup with Camilla, but was shunned from the start. Let's face it, my man, you're two or three cycles of steroids away from being able to compete with the alpha male's for the right to procreate with a female in-season, so it's probably for the best that you keep your head down and keep on competing.

14. Melinda

An open letter to Melinda.....

Hey babe,

It's me. We need to talk. Listen, I'm really worried about you. Divorcing that one guy with the thick Boston accent who has gotten his ass handed to him on every Challenge was a brilliant move. Everyone respects and loves you for it. HOWEVER, where have you been this season? You got DQ'd on the last challenge, are rarely seen in a bikini, and haven't even started flirting to generate a hookup. I'm worried about you. I've been waiting for an excuse to drop you into the top ten for the last three weeks, but you're not giving me a reason. Maybe something like this will help?

Sincerely Yours,

Me

15. Brandon

Probably the dumbest move on this list. Brandon should be near or at the bottom. Twice he's been thrown in the Gulag without provocation and twice he's came out victorious. This, however, means nothing since the Red Team has three veterans (Brad, Tyler, Dunbar) swaying the vote. He's going to have to start vying for Chet's dumb-ass to get tossed in there if he wants to keep pushing through.

16. Cara Maria

She has really grown on me. HUGE fan of Cara Maria. She whipped Mandi's ass in the Gulag and is Abram's hookup buddy. Plus, she had a great camera angle shot this week:

(It's boooyyyyyshhhoooorrrtttt ttiiiiimmmeeeeeeee)

17. Katie

What an action packed episode for this little psycho. Let's count em' down:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5. Fight with Emily

6. Fight with Ty

7. Easy win in Gulag

18. Eric

I'm really rooting for the big guy. After being verbally castrated by Laurel, Eric told Dan the kind of shit he has to go through on a daily basis and it really made me feel for the guy. Imagine the torment this ginger must go through. Laurel fed off of that and really gave it to him. THEN, after shaking it off, he did a great job in the bed competition, only to be sent to the Gulag.

Although he beat Vinny, what's the point? He's just going to be sent in every time by his team because of the Gauntlet III incident. I think Eric needs to take a solid year off and really hit the steroids hard, then he'll be a veteran with sway. Until then, he'll just be remembered for this:

19. Camila

Solid win this week and is definitely feisty. Would be higher if she warmed up to my boy Luke. Something tells me she's more of a CT kind of girl, which could be highly beneficial once he comes on the scene.

20. Ayiia

Really thought she would've had a bigger impact on the season at this point. This can really go either way, but since the fat has been trimmed from the Gray Team (Shauvon), her situation is isn't looking too hot. If the Gray team doesn't win this week, she's the next one in (Cara Maria, Sarah and Laurel are all safe).

21. Theresa

I'm just not seeing her lasting too long anymore. She was coming off a huge rookie season, but has sputtered out the last few episodes. Let's hope she can turn this around, but until then, she's in the cellar.

22. Emily

I really respect the fact she went at it with Paula in the hot tub - very smart play and I'm sure it was a really good time. Just a shame this is her rookie year and Katie somehow hates her. Sorry Emily, you better get your jollies in while you can, because you're Gulag bound.

23. Laurel

It's with a heavy heart that I have put Laurel at the bottom of the power rankings. This week, Laurel laid-out the most hateful diatribe that's been spewed on MTV since the Wayans brothers hosted the VMAs. Without provocation, Laurel teed off on Eric, ridiculing him for his weight, red hair, and apparently, tiny d.

(Alcohol made everything but her rage blurry)

I just don't understand how she becomes so mean and angry after a couple shots of booze. She really needs a hookup so she can blow her steam off in other ways. This picture pretty much sums her situation up:

Laurel is at the bottom of the list for being such a huge bitch. Yeah, she's safe and yeah, she's one of the strongest females, but Jesus tap-dancing Christ, she really made herself look extremely ugly with that terrible display. As my co-Challenge fan Jeff put it,

'When she goes to hell, she's going to be Hitler's booty call'

Nice. In case anyone cares, here is her apology:

The Challenge: Cutthroat - MTV Shows

Ugh. I really liked her.

24. Chet

Every time I see this picture I want to punch Chet's face off. Why? Because for some weird reason, Brandon gets put in the Gulag instead of this little chocko. Screw this guy, I don't care if his team won - the dope still got DQ'd and he acts like he belongs here. Just a matter of time....

Also time to say goodbye to Shauvon and Vinny. See ya kids! And Vinny, please try to take lessons from MTV's other favorite Guido's and do TWO cycles of steroids before you come onto the show, not just one.