Cutthroat Power Ranking: 'Swat the Hell?'

Earlier this month, Bill Simmons (ESPN's comedic writer) had TJ Lavin on his 'BS Report' podcast to discuss The Challenge: Cutthroat. When asked about the segment producers, Lavin said they are guys who grew up with the show, studied the show, analyzed the show, and pretty much made sweet love to the show. It was because of this dedication, Lavin said, that we now have the best challenges and elimination matches to date on Cutthroat.

This week's episode, 'Swat the Hell?' brilliantly demonstrated the producers' genius. Every aspect of competition was violent, psychotic, and generally awesome. The cast knows it too - when TJ popped into the mansion to have Luke and Easy shave their faces, speculation for the elimination ranged from leeches to fire. Fucking leeches and fire. This is how rowdy this season has been - the cast actually believes that fire, leeches and even water boarding are viable options for the Gulag.

The 'Bottleneck Stampede' was like the NYC subway system on steroids, full of screaming women and touchy men.

Throw dem bows, Abram!

The elimination challenge, Swat, might have been the shining moment of the season so far (since we've yet to see CT). Bitch slaps are a dime a dozen on The Challenge, but when it's a producer-sanctionded smackdown, competitors can really go buck - and they did. Loved Big Easy's play for Luke's ear the whole time and Katie's determination to beat the vowels out of Ms. Vowel's mouth.

Without further adieu - your Cutthroat power ranking.

'The only thing I really want to do is with this challenge is go home with my wife with a pile of money'

1. Brad

Another phenomenal performance for this season's top-dog. Brad is relentless in his pursuit for duckets, and is 100% focused on his team's strength and position. He led Team Red to it's second consecutive win with leadership, tenacity, and talent.

'Protip: Get to the finish line first'

While Brad's display at the Bottleneck Stampede was truly impressive, it was the night after that showed why he deserves to be at the #1 spot. Drinks were flowing, wammys were out at the hot tub, and general frivolity was had.

And yet, Brad the leader that he is, was still in game mode, coaching his young Padawan Dunbar and alerting the team to Camila's scheming ways.

'Visual Confirmation of Arm-Touching' - A line that is mentioned more than you think on The Challenge.

He's thinking long term. He's thinking strategy. He's thinking. Good enough for the top of the mountain two weeks in a row.

2. Johnny Bananas

Johnny is firmly cementing himself as the uber villain of the season. He's like Barry Bonds, Mike Tyson, and Ben Roethlisberger rolled into one mildly retarded bro. With the Red team sweating his every move and the rest of the Blue team wrapped around his finger, Johnny is in the driver seat and making great moves. What kind of moves? Schemey, awesome moves.

It's the perfect double-dip. Get your rocks off with a curvaceous Brazilian while throwing your competition into disarray. What a prick - you gotta love it.

Maybe the douchiest move all season: Johnny telling Ty and Eric to 'lace up' and run laps to see who goes in the Gulag. Quite possibly one of the dumber things mentioned in a deliberation.

3. Derrick

Another strong week for my boy Derrick. He performed extremely well at the Bottleneck Stampede and wasn't above getting physical with the female competition. He sacrificed his body to stop the Gray team from advancing, and for a single vote, showed amazing loyalty to Eric.*

*That is until the tie, when he had to jump ship and make the questionable move.

It's now apparent that Johnny Bananas is steering the Blue team's ship, but Derrick is playing his cards right laying back in the cut. It's kind of like that Simpsons episode when a mafia war breaks out in Homer's front yard and there is a short, tiny Triad guy doing nothing in the back.

He's going to explode. We just have to wait it out and have popcorn on hand when it does.

4. Tori

Tori is holding her own in these challenges and representing a top-5 placement like a champ. It's adorable watching a couple grab an entire team by the balls and drag it in a positive direction. Brad and Tori are probably the greatest challenge couple to date. CT and Diem might have had more passion, but Brori are both elite players and unstoppable.

5. Abram

Let's give it up for Mr. Rico Beethoven! Necking with Cara Maria while tickling the ivory white keys. I love these two freaks. You have a dude covered in tattoos that look like they were drawn by a six-year-old and and a smokin' hot girl who has more beads and hair dye than actual hair.

While his team has hit a terrible losing streak, Abram is still safe - he's also starting to use his veteran skill sets and bringing out the cerebral factor of his game. By throwing a vote in for Sarah, Abram is planting seeds of doubt and confusing the weaker players (i.e. everyone else). Ruthless.

6. Jenn

Jenn continues to impress and was especially great this episode. Loved her hijacking Blue's deliberation and taking the reigns from Banana. While Johnny was trying to have Eric and Ty perform a 'run off', Jenn put the muddfuggin cards on the table, was truthful, and let people know the situation.

Let's not forget her alpha-female domination in the Bottleneck Stampede. 'You gotta be loud and you gotta be strong, and I'm both of those.' Great episode for Jenn and that is why she's moved into the six slot. Oh and she's looking good in a bikini:

7. Dunbar

Quote of the episode came from the guy who has a vocabulary of 37 words - go figure. '[The swat challenge] looks like a weird sex machine that TJ got out of the basement at Cara Maria's house.' Well said, Dunbar. Good win, too.

8. Tyler

Solid challenge for Tyler, who was a definite factor in Red's win. While I've been banking on Tyler's heinous mind games, he really showed up and pushed his team to the win. Also, it seems that Tyler is really good friends with Brad and Tori, so I don't see him going anywhere.

9. Dan

Slightly worried about Dan; he's one of three male players left on the Gray Team. With Abram not going anywhere, it's up to Luke or Dan. Dan seems like a straight-shooter, so if Gray doesn't win next week, he might offer himself up and give Luke the day off. He could also just mercilessly vote Luke in and keep him in the Gulag, but he's too new to determine what he'll do.

10. Paula

If you told me before the season got underway that Paula would crack my top-ten, I'd call you a filthy liar and wish your loved ones death.* However, being on the Red team and a veteran female are both qualities that go a long way this season. She's playing great and her meltdowns have been limited. Oh wait.....

Vintage Paula.

She's still having a good season and the way Red is playing, I don't see anything stopping her from making it to the end. Melinda and Camila are both lined up to be Gulag bound before her, so as long as she doesn't pull a massive mistake, she's safe. Welcome to the top ten you adorable bundle of mental disorders!

*I take my Challenges very seriously.

11. Laurel

I'm taking this bitch out of the doghouse because I'm a sucker for mean girls and the tirade on Eric didn't seem to have much of an impact on her standing at the mansion. This establishes two things:

1. She really is a stellar competitor. She's a big girl and athletic; she'll crush at the Gulag if she has to go.
2. When you're in a house with dozens of other morally questionable people, picking on the fat kid just isn't that big of a deal.

12. Sarah

Why the drop for everyone's favorite new female dominatrix? Because she's in the worst position possible; Abram's bad side. He caught up to her in the Bottleneck Stampede, and that was probably the biggest mistake she could've made. DO NOT GET ON THE ALPHA MALE'S BAD SIDE. I'd rather tuck my d between my legs and piss sitting down than get on Abram's bad side.

Okay, maybe not that far. Sarah can redeem herself with a great effort next week, but the fact of the matter is that with Cara Maria shacking up with Abram and Laurel being such a brooding female force, she may be Gulag bound soon. Not good.

13. Melinda

An open letter to Melinda....

Hey babe,
It's me. You must've got my last letter - great work this week! You really represented Red for the victory and were adorable in the process. I also noticed how concerned you were with the situation between Johnny and Camila; it's smart and that's why everyone loves you! Keep it up babe, and by the way, you looked great with that loose top and tiny shorts:

Now if you could take a page out of Ayiia's book that would be great:

I want everyone to look at this picture. Look at Tyler's face and then look at Eric's face. Which one is gay?

Yours,
Me

14. Cara Maria

If she wasn't having all sorts of awesome, freaky sex with Abram, she'd be lower. Big mistake crying during the Bottleneck Stampede. She's showed weakness, and with the pack-like mentality that these Challenges breed, the entire Gray team might outweigh Abram's personal vendetta and put Cara Maria in a Gulag where the pain doesn't also involve pleasure.

15. Brandon

Brandon flew under the radar this week which is probably a good thing. A win's a win and you can't fault him for still being one of the rooks on the team. The preview for next week looks like trouble for him though - he's got a possible physical altercation with Ty and needs assistance in the water during the competition. Keep your chin up, buddy.

16. Luke

The quintessential nice guy did a great job in the Gulag. Outsmarted the shit out of Big E with the baby taps during round 3. He's still at the bottom of the Gray Team's male standings, so he's going to have to use his smarts to see the final challenge. Still loved the fact that he wanted to go to the Gulag and was 'itching for a one on one battle.' Where did MTV find this weirdo?

17. Katie

I'm proud of Katie. She stepped up to the plate and voted herself in. She'll probably need to do that every time Blue loses to save face. The crazy thing is that this little firecracker might be psycho enough to fight her way through the rest of the Gulags to the final challenge.

Probably not though.

18. Theresa

What the hell happened to Theresa? She started the season with such promise, picking on weak rookies and making friends with Katie and Jenn (the other two of the Sanderson Sisters). Now she's quiet, gets no camera time, and has been completely hookup free. Step your game up or get in the Gulag, you're boring me.

19. Emily

Who is this? Ohhhh yeah, she's the rookie who made out with Paula. Remember that? That was awesome.

20. Camila

Sleeping with the enemy = challenge suicide. Simple as that. I hope Johnny Banana's cock was worth the thousands of dollars she could've got. With the Red team surging the way they are, along with their mental acuity and physical prowess, they are running on all cylinders. If they sense a weakness, they're going to eliminate it (especially Brad). She's toast.

21. Ty

Ty sucks, straight up. What a pathetic showing at the Bottleneck Stampede. Last place? Are you serious? This guys is jacked to hell and can't do what Paula can? Plus, he seems like such a prick that I don't understand why anyone would want to keep him there. With Eric out, he's next for Blue's vote for the Gulag. Plus, with the preview from next weeks episode, he's the most prominent candidate for the CT swap.

HURRRRRRR

22. Chet

Red team's weakest male link. He also wears glasses when he doesn't need to. He also has never touched a woman. He's also been seen in a neck brace being carted off in an ambulance during the 'this season on' promo. He's not going to make it.

And a solid goodbye to Big E and The Vowel. To E, keep getting on that grind and get in the best shape of your life so you can show these people what's up. To Vowel, you did a solid job in your first challenge, I hope it's not the last.