A detailed power ranking just as soon as I get a college textbook swung 30 feet at my face...
After a week long hiatus, the power ranking is back and couldn't have returned to a more volatile episode. Last week's 'Newbie Doobie Doo' saw the exit of the Mormon-lovin' Mandi and J.D. - a guy who trains dolphins. That's right - he swims with dolphins and teaches them various activities. Shockingly, however, working with slippery, cold mammals that have limited cognitive capacity didn't translate into an advantage in The Challenge.
This week's episode, 'Karma's a Bitch' was the strongest episode yet. It had one of the better challenges, two legitimate face injuries, and one amazing hot tub venture. Let's get right to it.
1. Brad
Brad and his band of misfits on the Red Team really came together and took one helluva challenge down - going first no less! As the male veteran and leader on the team, he kept everyone on track and pulled the W while Derrick and Abram's squads imploded. He's stable (WIFE'D UP), mellow, and hasn't been partaking in any binge drinking (especially in drama hotspots - hot tub, kitchen, grass).
If he plays his cards right, Brad can be the one alpha male who'll ride out the rest of the season at #1. Johnny Bananas, Abram and Derrick are all too unpredictable and confrontational. Brad seems like the steely veteran who has seen it all, can wade through the shit and pick his battles right. He's like Sugar Ray Leonard in the late 80s - slightly past his prime physically but mentally is pound for pound the best competitor.
2. Derrick
This psycho is wise-beyond his years. While Ty and Katie were going at it, Derrick sat back like a pimp and dropped knowledge on everyone.
'Some people just don't get it, they want to dabble (by tussling with Katie - ed.) and see what it's like, so...there you go.'
Five years ago Derrick would be in the thick of it, either breaking up the confrontation with Ty or consoling Katie. Nowadays D-money creeps in the back and let's everything ride out on it's own. Smart play if you want to reach the final challenge.
3. Johnny Bananas
While Brad and Derrick take the stoic, 'speak softly and carry a big stick' approach, Bananas yells his way to safety. He picks on women (Paula can loosely be called a woman - damaged girl might be more appropriate), gets in bar fights (I'd love to brawl with an Eastern European local), and at the end of the day, is still considered strong. This alone is impressive enough to leave him at the top.
No one is getting in his way any time soon. They're all a little too frightened at this point.
4. Tori
Winning team. Husband in the one spot. Good enough to make the top five. The boom-mike holder on the production team has had more screen time than her, but that's fine. Keep lurking in the shadows until the final challenge.
5. Abram
Abram has completely blown it as leader the last few episodes. Two weeks ago he took himself, the strongest competitor on the team, out of the competition to 'coach' the gray squad. Colossal error. This week he held Shauvon's hand like a small child while she forced the entire team to take a DQ. Abram really needs to get back on track and strike some fear in his soldiers. Coddling Shauvon was pointless and pathetic; at least give your team a chance to win. Next week's competition looks like it has the setting for him to excel, but we'll have to see if he brings his A-game to the table.
6. Sarah
Sarah is quietly rising as an elite Challenge warrior. She always shows up for the challenges and will call people out if they don't. Eye of the Tiger can't begin to describe this sexually-confused women's ferocity; it's uncanny. Her most underrated talent came through in this week's episode when she refused to take any chances and talked Shauvon out of competing in the Gulag.
It was like the part in Crocodile Dundee when Paul Hogan hypnotizes the ox; Shauvon's brain couldn't take the barrage.
'Go to sleep, naw, y'hear?'
7. Dunbar
Dunbar has been quiet lately. He's letting others do the talking, has yet to have a questionable hookup, and was part of the winning team. Barring a fist fight or ginormous meltdown, he's going to ride this out until the veterans are forced to vote him into the Gulag to save themselves.
Everyone knows that CT is coming back for this challenge, but at which point and for whom is still up in the air. Dunbar is one of the people who I can see getting into a fight or kicked off the show (sexual assault being the main draw to this option) that brings CT in.*
*Others: Ty, Chet, Luke
8. Jenn
Keep on truckin' missy. She's yet to receive a single vote for a Gulag and backs her shit up on the battle field. She may drop a bit on the ranking if she continues this hook-up dry spell. Paula is getting more girl ass right now - I mean, what the hell, Jenn? That was your bread and butter and now you're acting like an elderly spinster. Someone get this woman some purple soda and rum to get her gears grinding.
9. Dan
I am really enjoying sober Dan. I thought his stint in recovery would be detrimental for his success in Cutthroat, but it's proven to be the opposite. He was the diffuser of the 'hot tub incident' (not the hot lesbian hook-up; the OTHER, more embarrassing incident), has been a solid #2 for Abram, is still having a good time, and has been seen commentating more than most.*
*By the way, that is a terrific gauge to see who ends up going far. If a challenger is narrating the show along, most times they are a fighter who makes it til the end.
10. Tyler
Tyler has been surging lately. He's currently on the winning team and seems to be the most self-aware person on the show. The dude plays the game like Bobby Fischer. This is how you know he's always thinking - during Katie and Emily's fight (before Katie moves onto Ty), Tyler calmly states 'Katie, she's (Emily) is a rookie, she has no say in the matter' (that matter being who is selected to go in the Gulag).
Taken at face value, this is true and correct, but it can also be viewed as a power play. He's standing up for a rookie (Emily might remember that and vote for another guy other than Tyler) and establishing his dominance as a veteran. You can't fool me, Tyler, you're strong.
11. Ty
During the bed challenge, Eric proved to be a bona fied leader by coaching his team through the jumps and acting as a cushy landing for the incoming projectiles. This of course, meant nothing when it came to Gulag voting since the extra lbs around the waist have gotten Eric into the permanent-Gulag-member-until-eliminated-position. This is why Ty is so high up on the list. Until Eric is eliminated, his team will continue to put him in, leaving Ty safe. Even threatening to hit a woman doesn't outweigh Eric's extra weight.
I'm sure his parents are proud.
12. Paula
If Reality TV was the board game Clue, the hot tub would be the scene of the crime 80% of the time.* Paula, who has been steadily rising from week one, continues her play to the top with the first lesbian hook up of the season. Paula, would you care to elaborate?
*other locations on the reality TV Clue board: confessional, shower, corner of bar, kitchen, roof, anything with a soft surface.
'Emily's cute. And there's beer. And a hot tub. It's the perfect combo.'
You're goddamned right it's the perfect combo. Paula has been on fire lately. Other than the kitchen meltdown with Johnny Bananas, she's doing great. Not a single Gulag vote and she's a sexual predator on the female rookies. Dunbar's bottom barrel bitch must be picking up on his creepy lessons. Oops did I just foreshadow a possible three-way with Paula, Dunbar and Emily? We can only pray.
13. Luke
Luke is staying steady and playing the game right. A few weeks ago he tested the waters for a possible hookup with Camilla, but was shunned from the start. Let's face it, my man, you're two or three cycles of steroids away from being able to compete with the alpha male's for the right to procreate with a female in-season, so it's probably for the best that you keep your head down and keep on competing.
14. Melinda
An open letter to Melinda.....
Hey babe,
It's me. We need to talk. Listen, I'm really worried about you. Divorcing that one guy with the thick Boston accent who has gotten his ass handed to him on every Challenge was a brilliant move. Everyone respects and loves you for it. HOWEVER, where have you been this season? You got DQ'd on the last challenge, are rarely seen in a bikini, and haven't even started flirting to generate a hookup. I'm worried about you. I've been waiting for an excuse to drop you into the top ten for the last three weeks, but you're not giving me a reason. Maybe something like this will help?
Sincerely Yours,
Me
15. Brandon
Probably the dumbest move on this list. Brandon should be near or at the bottom. Twice he's been thrown in the Gulag without provocation and twice he's came out victorious. This, however, means nothing since the Red Team has three veterans (Brad, Tyler, Dunbar) swaying the vote. He's going to have to start vying for Chet's dumb-ass to get tossed in there if he wants to keep pushing through.
16. Cara Maria
She has really grown on me. HUGE fan of Cara Maria. She whipped Mandi's ass in the Gulag and is Abram's hookup buddy. Plus, she had a great camera angle shot this week:
(It's boooyyyyyshhhoooorrrtttt ttiiiiimmmeeeeeeee)
17. Katie
What an action packed episode for this little psycho. Let's count em' down:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Fight with Emily
6. Fight with Ty
7. Easy win in Gulag
18. Eric
I'm really rooting for the big guy. After being verbally castrated by Laurel, Eric told Dan the kind of shit he has to go through on a daily basis and it really made me feel for the guy. Imagine the torment this ginger must go through. Laurel fed off of that and really gave it to him. THEN, after shaking it off, he did a great job in the bed competition, only to be sent to the Gulag.
Although he beat Vinny, what's the point? He's just going to be sent in every time by his team because of the Gauntlet III incident. I think Eric needs to take a solid year off and really hit the steroids hard, then he'll be a veteran with sway. Until then, he'll just be remembered for this:
19. Camila
Solid win this week and is definitely feisty. Would be higher if she warmed up to my boy Luke. Something tells me she's more of a CT kind of girl, which could be highly beneficial once he comes on the scene.
20. Ayiia
Really thought she would've had a bigger impact on the season at this point. This can really go either way, but since the fat has been trimmed from the Gray Team (Shauvon), her situation is isn't looking too hot. If the Gray team doesn't win this week, she's the next one in (Cara Maria, Sarah and Laurel are all safe).
21. Theresa
I'm just not seeing her lasting too long anymore. She was coming off a huge rookie season, but has sputtered out the last few episodes. Let's hope she can turn this around, but until then, she's in the cellar.
22. Emily
I really respect the fact she went at it with Paula in the hot tub - very smart play and I'm sure it was a really good time. Just a shame this is her rookie year and Katie somehow hates her. Sorry Emily, you better get your jollies in while you can, because you're Gulag bound.
23. Laurel
It's with a heavy heart that I have put Laurel at the bottom of the power rankings. This week, Laurel laid-out the most hateful diatribe that's been spewed on MTV since the Wayans brothers hosted the VMAs. Without provocation, Laurel teed off on Eric, ridiculing him for his weight, red hair, and apparently, tiny d.
(Alcohol made everything but her rage blurry)
I just don't understand how she becomes so mean and angry after a couple shots of booze. She really needs a hookup so she can blow her steam off in other ways. This picture pretty much sums her situation up:
Laurel is at the bottom of the list for being such a huge bitch. Yeah, she's safe and yeah, she's one of the strongest females, but Jesus tap-dancing Christ, she really made herself look extremely ugly with that terrible display. As my co-Challenge fan Jeff put it,
'When she goes to hell, she's going to be Hitler's booty call'
Nice. In case anyone cares, here is her apology:
Ugh. I really liked her.
24. Chet
Every time I see this picture I want to punch Chet's face off. Why? Because for some weird reason, Brandon gets put in the Gulag instead of this little chocko. Screw this guy, I don't care if his team won - the dope still got DQ'd and he acts like he belongs here. Just a matter of time....
Also time to say goodbye to Shauvon and Vinny. See ya kids! And Vinny, please try to take lessons from MTV's other favorite Guido's and do TWO cycles of steroids before you come onto the show, not just one.
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