Starting next Wednesday, The Challenge is back with its twentieth season. The traditional gift for a twentieth anniversary is China, but the only China that would be appropriate for this show would be the finest China-white heroin people can find. To inject some fresh blood into the twentieth season, MTV opted out of going back to a previous format (Duel, Fresh Meat, Gauntlet), and brought a new game into town:
Cutthroat.
Challenge’s are about as cutthroat as anything on TV (see: every single time Paula gets double-crossed in an alliance), but this game seems to embrace it. It’s like if a rehab clinic finally gave up and just dropped 30 grand worth of coke onto their front desk. The cast is going to go berserk on each other. I love the fact that there will always be the perennial ‘it’s just the game’ excuse for treating people like complete shit on these shows (while they are good friends in real life), but I feel like a challenge named ‘Cuttroat’ might destroy that excuse. Now I can go ahead and explain the new format, but I’m a Millennial, so I’m going to go with the intellectual crutch of our generation, Wikipedia. Hit me with the truth you unsourced-foundation of false knowledge!
'This season of The Challenge will feature a brand new format, consisting of three teams of ten players – five men and five women on each team. The three teams will participate in numerous challenges (sometimes called "missions"), which are followed by an elimination challenge, known as the "Gulag." The team who wins a challenge will receive a cash prize of $20,000 to be split evenly among the team members and placed in their individual bank accounts, as well as winning immunity from the Gulag.
The two losing teams will then be forced to choose one player of each gender from each losing team for possible elimination. Each player will cast secret votes to decide which two men and two women will battle in same-gender Gulags. The winning players will rejoin their respective teams and stay in the game, while the losing players will be eliminated from the game and lose all of their prize money in their individual bank accounts.'
Interesting. Triple the feuds. Triple the eliminations. Hopefully triple the amount of contracted STDs. Also, the elimination challenges are called the ‘Gulag’? That seems insensitive. I can’t remember exactly what the Gulag was, but let’s go back to the Magic 8-Ball of internet knowledge:
'The Gulag or GULag was the government agency that administered the main Soviet penal labor camp systems. While the camps housed a wide range of convicts, from petty criminals to political prisoners, with large numbers convicted by simplified procedures, such as NKVD troikas and other instruments of extrajudicial punishment, the Gulag is recognized as a major instrument of political repression in the Soviet Union.'
Good call, MTV. Nothing better than naming an elimination challenge after a murdering, genocidal secret-agency. Something tells me MTV Russia will probably change the name on that one.*
*Side note: What do you think the Russian-dubbed TJ Lavine sounds like? I picture something along the lines of Drago from Rocky IV and a slow-witted simpleton who’s Ma drank vodka while preggo with him.**
**It’s been brought to my attention that this combo also sounds similar to Boris from Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Enough with the background. Let’s get to the introduction of the cast with our inaugural power rankings.
1. Derrick
The pitbull. The champion. The guy who gets incredibly upset when syrup is anywhere near pictures of his children. Derrick, based on experience, mental-strength and physical upkeep, deserves the number one spot. Everyone respects him and no one fucks with him. He’s also ferocious in the elimination challenges. The two set backs in his game are puzzles and anything that requires more than 15 seconds of thinking. However, based on all of the previews, it looks like this challenge is really set up for the burly Pollock to succeed.
2. Abram
Ohhh man. How I’ve missed this raging Ginger day-walker. Without a doubt the one prime example for steroid use in The Challenge circuit. His ‘roid rage is epic and unyielding. His athleticism is trumped only by his hatred for his cast mates. He’ll without a doubt be the leader of his team and rule with an iron fist. If there were ever a Czar of the Gulag, this freckled-furious-fiend would be it. In other words, this is the one villain that can force good to relent to evil.
3. Brad
When I was going over the rankings with a fellow Challenge fan, I was met with criticism. ‘He’s the Karl Malone of The Challenge,’ my friend said. ‘Brad is a notorious choke artist. He had the win locked-up a few seasons ago and gave away a huge lead in the final challenge.’ While the latter point did in fact happen, I liken Brad to the Kevin Garnett of The Challenge. He came on young, proved himself as a leader, and is a player that a team can be built around. He’s had problems with weak squads, and the time he got close to the win (much like when KG went deep in the playoffs with Cassel and Sprewell), he gave too much of himself early on and ran out of steam. If it wasn’t for Derrick and Abram being beasts, he’d be number one. It should also be noted he is on the same team with his fiancée (or wife now?) Tori, so the double-up vote will be crucial as they go deeper in the game.
4. Laurel
I love this woman. She’s a helluva athlete, smokin’ hot, and the other chicks hate her guts. Let em’ hate, Laurel, because I fucking love you. She is the first lady on this list because she deserves it. While she’s still relatively new to The Challenges and may have some issues with alliance play, I feel like the men on her team will keep her on board as long as they can. Plus, she reminds me of Wonder Woman:
5. Dunbar
Rounding out the top-five is probably the most deplorable person on this season, Dunbar. What he lacks in smarts (his dead-eyes and slow drawl make it seem like he had a paint-sniffing phase before he started shooting anabolic steroids in his ass-cheeks), he counters with sheer retard-strength. It should also be noted that his mind-control on women will keep him there long. He just needs to follow these steps:
A. Keep your bottom-barrel bitch Paula on lock
B. Nail the two hottest chicks on the other teams so you get admiration and respect from the other dude-brahs
C. Have one rage-filled night
D. ???
E. Profit
6. Tori
Strong physically, has Brad on her side at all times, seems to be extremely intelligent. I don’t know, seems like it could be her year. It also might be that my hetero-man crush on Brad has seeped to Tori as well.
7. Johnny Bananas
What an entertaining asshole. 90% sure the term 'AssClown' was invented with Johnny Bananas in mind. Selfish, strong, argumentative – generally doesn’t give a fuck. And you know what? Those are all positive traits on The Challenge. Mark my words – he’ll go deep.
8. Sarah
No Kenny to make her cry = another solid year for the young gunner. Her bisexuality may play a crucial role in saving her if the piercings and tats intimidate the other females. Sarah can gain allies by flipping these damaged women like pancakes.
9. Jenn
She needs a win and she needs one soon. She’s becoming the new Katie – everyone likes her until late in the game when it’s time to trim the fat. Being a former Oakland Raiders cheerleader only goes so far and drunken makeouts with other girls isn’t going to cut it. She needs to cozy up with a top male performer in the sheets – maybe Dunbar.* Regardless, she is a solid female competitor and her enthusiasm for the game is unquestioned.
*That sex would be like a Gladiator death match of deep-seeded anger. A lot of scratches and red marks afterwards.
10. Brandon
Breakout star of Fresh Meat II. He stood up to the ‘Bawston back-brakaw’ Danny, got hammered before his final challenge and was hysterical in the process. Extremely unfortunate he got stuck with the biggest wet blanket of Fresh Meat II (Katelynn). If he were paired with Laurel or Evelyn, he would be richer. By the way, on paper, Brandon and Katelynn should have a dominated. You had a jacked-up, charismatic black guy and a manly chick (that used to be a man) with an alleged blackbelt in Kung Fu. It’s a shame that she was so horrible that even Kenny spared her from his verbal insults. Better to be known and ridiculed then not even known at all.
11. Dan
Let’s look at MTV’s write up for Dan:
Last seen stumbling around drunk on The Island, Dan has made on of the biggest life changes of anyone in the game. He explains, "I went into recovery for my alcoholism. I quit drinking and got real healthy, fixed my life. I got my head in the game and decided to come back and win one of these." Dan has been sober for seven months and Cutthroat will be the biggest test of his new lifestyle. With a new outlook and a clear head, look for this Road Rules: Viewer's Revenge alum to impress.
Went into recovery for alcohol in his early twenties? He’s not an alcoholic, he just sucks at drinking. I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt here since he has the potential to be such a ruthless competitor. Also, rehab has a good way of making people crazy/obsessed, so I feel that he could really latch onto the game and play it like Sitch plays the honeys in da clubs.
Ya’kno’wut’I’mean Sitch?
12. Mandi
Definitely the runner-up for Breakout Star of Fresh Meat II. Her story is much like that of Beatrix Kiddo, the Bride from Kill Bill. Betrayed early on (she was one of the last picked in Fresh Meat II), trained to be a nasty killer (Wes is kind of like the Pai Mai of The Challenge), then picked her nemeses off one at a time. She rocked it and was a petite blonde the entire time. In a shocking twist of events, she was the one berating Wes in the Final Challenge.
13. Tyler
Many of you might be wondering why Tyler is up so high on this list. He has no striking physical prowess, does not have that many alliances in place, and is an absolute Hugie. HOWEVER, something needs to be said for the maniacal super-villain mind game that this dude can run. During his minor league stint on the Real World: Key West, Tyler made every female in the house cry and pushed the men to the brink of manslaughter. He is also a talented swimmer, so that might work for him in this athletic-heavy season.
14. Melinda
I was first introduced to Melinda’s boobs in 2005 when they gloriously jiggled their way into the Austin season. In her prime, she is definitely one of the hottest cast members on the Real World*. Unfortunately, Danny Boy snatched her up and put a ring on it. Fairly certain she’ll do well this season – she’s definitely one of the bigger girls and she’s sassy. Also, did I mention she’s on point? If I told you that didn’t have a decision on her ranking so high, I’d be a bold-face liar.
*Other elite’s: Trichelle (Vegas), Cameron (San Diego), Svetlana (Key West)
EDIT: I’ve just been alerted that Melinda and Danny got a divorce. Sweet Sassy Molassy, this is the best news I’ve heard all week. I’ll be praying to every God in every religion for her to let those sweet, glorious chesticles out to breath. They’ve been oppressed under the cruel regime of the Bawston Back-Brakaw long enough.
15. Eric – Big Eazy
Everyone loves jolly fat men. They can be a crucial component to a good crew of friends. Big Eazy is The Challenge’s jolly fat man. He’s like the Santa Claus for promiscuous alcoholics who have serious mental deficiencies. In the past, Big E has folded during all endurance competitions yet shined when weight was a positive factor. For Cutthroat, Eric has found the middle ground of jolly fat man and fierce competitor, shedding 35 pounds before heading to Russia. He’s going to have a chip on his shoulder and ready to prove himself as a top-tier veteran, but some people have the mindset of ‘once a fat kid, always a fat kid.’
16. Ayiiia
Our first rookie - and what a keeper this little firecracker is. She could be a cast member on the Bad Girls Club and legitimately make it to the end of the show. Going by the Simmons/Jacoby doctrine of craziness, the more vowels in a women’s name, the crazier she is. Her name is 100% vowels (Y is a vowel sometimes), making her the perfect storm of woman for The Challenge. Her insanity level is about an 8.7 out of ten, shes attractive, and tough. She is the one rookie I have faith in.
17. Luke
It’s pretty much a lock that this dude is a stoner, right? I mean look at the pic. He’d be higher on the ranking if he wasn't so laid back. Don’t get me wrong, he seems like a great guy and a ton of fun to party with, but 'laid back' and 'Challenge' don’t go hand in hand. He’s dealing with guys just coming off their steroid cycles, women with extreme baggage, and living with them in a mansion stocked with booze.
18. JD
JD trains dolphins. Seriously.
19. Ty
I’ve watched The Real World for as long as I can remember. The DC season was so fucking bad that I shunned it completely and didn’t watch a single episode (after the premiere). I’m told he was the token angry-opinionated-black-guy, but I don’t know, and frankly, I don’t really care.
20. Theresa
While she might be a solid competitor, Theresa has the scarlet-letter-version of The Challenge marked on her. She hooked up with Wes, which means she’s linked to a person that everyone hates. There’s a good deal of hate-by-association in The Challenge circle, so she has a pretty big hole to dig herself out of.*
*It’s amazing how much of a polarizing figure Wes is. Complete douchebag. I’ve heard stories from friends who went to ASU with him and have heard some deplorable stories about him. He’s such a terrible human being, that even though he’s not in the season, his evil-reach still touches competitors in Russia.
21. Katie
Poor Katie. She’s announced retirement from these competitions more than Favre and Jordan did combined. She’s going to need to rely on fellow veterans for help, but she’s never been that a strong of a competitor and I don’t see this run being any more successful than the rest.
22. Cara Maria
No idea who this broad is. She’s above everyone below based on number of vowels in her name and the piercing/tatoo/hair dye ratio.
23. Camila
Yet again another rookie who I have no clue about. She looks…..tan? Apparently she won some weird pseudo-Challenge during a Spring Break special, so we'll put her in the mid-20s.
(What...you can't squeeze out a smile through the v-neck? )
24. Vinny
After an early exit in Fresh Meat II, this dude might as well be a rookie. In MTV’s description, Vinny freely admits that he ‘is not the smartest or most levelheaded competitor.’ Welcome to the club, Vincent, you’re one of 30 with those characteristics. Unfortunately, once the rookies are weeded out, he’s the next to go. Plus – look at him – the double piercing and tight v-neck shirt is going to alienate him from the other dude-brahs.
25. Emily
Another castmember from the worthless DC season. Not only do I hope these people get kicked off first, I hope TJ Lavine tees off on them with a expletive-filled rant.
26. Derek
Small. Quiet. Does not seem all that competitive. Pretty sure he just came to party. He’ll stick around for a little while out of strategy-sake from competing teams (to keep his team weak), but he’ll get bounced as soon a strong competitor gets thrown into an elimination with him and they want a layup to keep the alpha around.
27. Emilee
Unfortunately for Emilee, Ayiia has Cancun taken care of for the ladies. Her Hooters experience might help her ‘peacock’ her way to pulling solid keeper votes from the dude bruhs, but her judgmental mindset will cause catfights for the females. And with this mix of women, I’d much rather be on their good side.
28. Paula
Paul, Paula, Paula. Where to start with you. You’ve let it all hang out in front of the nation wearing your heart, disorder-ridden brain, and insecurities on your sleeve. She has trust issues – those issues being trusting the wrong people. She’s been burned by her best friends from ‘real life’ way too many times yet she comes crawling back. As my buddy who is also a challenge fan puts it, ‘her success is entirely contingent upon whether her doctor has her medication dosage properly calibrated. She also weights 90 pounds and 40 of it is in her chest.’ That description deserves a golfers clap.
29. Shauvon
Her uselessness is complete and total. She might be the most worthless person to grace The Challenge. Sure, there’s competition from Casey, but at least Casey hooked up for the camera to see. Shauvon did it on the roof with CT where cameras aren’t available. Let’s also not forget the implant rupture that is no doubt one of the funniest things to ever take place on The Challenge.
30. Chet
What the fuck is this Mormon thinking? His decision to enter the competition is the equivalent of someone pouring blood all over their body and then trying to hug a pack of wolves. He is going down and going down hard. ‘Not ready’ for The Challenge is an understatement – he’s simply not made for this. The dude wears glasses with no prescriptions just because he likes the way they look. He wears vests. He’s yet to stick his dick in a vagina. He deserves the anchor spot for making such a terrible life decision. Chet, you have no idea what you’ve gotten into. You will be destroyed. And I’ll be watching with popcorn and beer in hand.
*Big ups to fellow Challenge fan Jeff Ake for assistance.
TLDR
ReplyDeleteis this what a month of not fapping got you?
ReplyDeletealso this is amazing.
ReplyDelete