Cutthroat Power Ranking: Back With a Vengeance

Best part of the High Ball Challenge. TJ laughing.

MTV has been on a downward spiral for the last decade. Right around the turn of the century, 'the channel of America's youth' went from a post-modern convergence of music, pop culture, movies and celebrity to a glorification of white trash pregnant teenage couples, deplorable dating shows, and emo pussies trying to cope with life.

But last Wednesday MTV really blew it. Touting the return of CT for two weeks, the episode ended before everyone's favorite monster got to work on Bananas.

Infuriating. Frustrating. Bullshit.

I feel like I've lost all trust with Challenges. It was like one giant cocktease. I'm suffering from reality-tv-blue-balls. This ploy for higher ratings for the next episode only pissed off die-hard fans like me. MTV continues to isolate the mid-20s fans of their three good shows (Jersey Shore, RW, Challenge) by doing this type of bullshit. Remember the highly anticipated Jwow/Sammi fight this season on JS? We got one hair pull and a slap before a 'To Be Continued...'

Instead of showing CT murder Johnny and Tyler, we get a tubby Tina being dragged by the always-spunky Theresa. Because this drove me crazy, I made it a personal goal to find out who wins the Gulag before the new episode on Wednesday. Consider me the ultimate editing detective, because I've cracked the case.

Next week's competition seems to be some riot shield/sand pit/battle royale between all three teams. Pulling screens from season previews and sneak peaks, you can clearly see that Derrick is alone in the challenge.

D-Money rollin' solo. Bye bye Bananas.

FLAVIN!

Another reason why it's all but confirmed that Johnny goes home is the comments on MTV's official Cutthroat site. Most people say they've heard from friends of people who are tied to the show that CT lifts Bananas up and high steps his way to the barrel.

This picture leads me to believe them:

Clearing a blue shirt being dragged. Tack on the fact that Tyler has about 40 lbs on Johnny and that CT has a personal vendetta against Bananas ('Johnny's got a mouth on him for a little guy.* I'm looking forward to putting him in the dirt'), I am going to go ahead and believe that Johnny goes home.

*In what crazy world is Johnny considered 'a little guy'?

And for the ladies? Well, that fat tub of shit Tina didn't do much against Theresa, but the look of terror on Tori's face mixed with her debating whether or not to puss out makes me think Theresa comes back to Blue.

'I just pooped my pants'

/rant. Let's get to the ranking.

1. Abram

Still ending up with a W while paired up with a teammate that hates him. He led with strong communication and will power. He's earned his way until the final challenge and by the midseason preview, it looks like he makes it there (see: vomiting pic). The only thing that could stand in his way is if the team buckles under their collective awkwardness.

They all hate each other. The dinner scene was like daddy just hit mommy:

With $80k in the bank, Grey team is definitely the strongest team. They have the strongest male and female players (Abe and Laurel), and a feisty secondary (Sarah/Luke/CM). Abram just has to continue to steer the ship and they're golden.

2. Sarah

Sarah has had a banner year. Not a single Gulag vote. Not a single tear shed. Not a single doubt she is going to make it til the end. She's playing the game like a salty veteran and is willing to sacrifice the well-being of the team to move ahead. While that might be terrible in the real world, that's a high commodity in Challengeville. Grey gets the top male and female rankings.

3. Derrick

Ernie is without his Bert and will continue to be until Cutthroat is over. It's still unknown if CT will be the host of the next Gulag, but Blue is strong enough to have a chance in the next competition and Derrick does his best when he's cornered.

Blue is also a very hardcore team. They work out and train together. That alone should command respect:

4. Dunbar

Dunbar is in the four spot and did nothing to contribute to this rise in ranking. Tyler's jedi-mind-tricks came through in the clutch for himself as well as Dunny B. By voting himself in with the 'I'll go in now, but Brad has to go in next if we lose' stipulation, Tyler insured himself and Dunbar in the final Challenge. Well. Played.

5. Laurel

She's playing with a chip on her shoulder and is one rage-filled Amazonian:

Luke should've never went in for the hug.

The big question is obviously who wins the next challenge. If Grey wins, everything is smooth sailing until the finale. If they lose, the question is if Luke will use common sense and put Cara Maria in the Gulag or if he'll go full-retard and put Laurel in again. It's obvious that Laurel is the strongest female competitor right now, but her steely (aka bitchy) tendencies have put her below Sarah.

6. Jenn

Jenn might have to become the voice of the squad since Johnny is in jeopardy. It worries me that both Theresa and Emily have been in Gulags while Jenn has not. Lately, when Blue is Gulag bound, a person steps up and vote themselves in. The rest of the Blue team might look to her to take the vote.

7. Luke

Luke is in an interesting position. He's the wild card/deciding vote on who goes to the Gulag: Laurel or Cara Maria. I'm assuming the Laurel snub hug has him weighted on CM's side plus he does have sway and friends in high places (Abram). If Grey loses he's probably going in, but that might not happen with the way they are playing.

8. Emily

Emily has earned respect and admiration from me. At the start of this season, Emily was an obscure cast member from the worst season of the Real World. Now she's a powerful bisexual and competitor.

9. Paula

Paula is an idiot. The entire episode she listened to Tori discuss throwing the Gulag so she won't slow the team down in the finale. Instead, Paula needed to talk Tori into fighting and winning this Gulag, so the Red team could throw the next Challenge and in turn, quit during the LAST Gulag. This would've assured Paula in the final. Instead Paula had a blank stare and didn't do anything. Fail.

"I'm going to tell you Paula, I feel like I've been playing this game with my balls in her purse the whole time."

10. Brad

Everything has fell apart for Brad. His wife is in the Gulag. He agreed to go into the next Gulag. His team hasn't won in weeks. HE MISSES HIS PUPPY. Brori might go down as having the worst meltdown in Challenge history. Everything was going so smoothly at the start and now they are worthless.

My fellow Challenge expert Jeff and I were discussing the NFL equivalent of Brad and we both settled on McNabb. Great during the regular season but continually shits the bed in crunch time. Brad just doesn't have the stamina for a Challenge title.

Crotch Shot of the Episode

11. Cara Maria

Okay. I think I've finally figured this out:

She's half pornstar, half pirate. If she was on Blue or Red, she'd be higher. But since she has the Amazonian and the Damaged Emo-Rockchick on her squad, she's on the bottom of the rankings.

12. Tyler

We've now hit the ranking section of people in the Gulag. Tyler is of course in the highest position possible since he's in the Gulag and we know that Johnny is going home. So instead of bullshitting, let's see what T-Money and Bananas are going up against:

Apparently, CT is a personal trainer. This is probably the greatest (legal) job for him. Scaring people into getting fit. I'm sure he's phenomenal.

Has he been crying? Snorting cocaine? Could you imagine a coked out, sad CT? Good god, send that shit after Bin Laden.

'I don't even know what's going on right now they just let me out of their cage and I haven't ate yet.'

It's pretty much a given that Bananas and Tyler get their dicks kicked in by CT. However, since Tyler is going in after Johnny (CT might be tired) and has 40 lbs on Bananas, he's staying.

13. Theresa

What a badass bitch. Much respect to T for not being intimidated by that fat lard Tina and powering her to the barrel.

14. Johnny

OH JOHNNY! How close you came. Too bad the Gulag you go in to is the one in which a monster with a personal vendetta wants to 'put you in the dirt'. You had a good run while you lasted, though.

15. Tori

Tori just wants to be held. And quit. It's infuriating to watch this transpire knowing that all the other girls on Red wanted to make it this far and compete. Yet Tori wants to turn over and quit. Pathetic.