Nah, You're Chill: Cutthroat Power Ranking: Always a Bridesmaid...

Having your greatest expectations actually fulfilled doesn't happen often, so when it does, take full advantage of it. This is me taking full advantage of it:

What the hell is going through that twisted mind?

Three seconds and CT already has one foot planted.

Six seconds. Two feet. I repeat: six seconds, two feet.

Sweet Bananas Backpack, bro. Where ya headed?

High Steppin'. He's like a soldier from Hell marching Bananas back to where he belongs.

Oh look, Bananas is trying to trip him up. Good luck with that. Too bad CT is too busy to notice carrying his dandy ass.

Is Bananas trying a reverse reach around to throw CT off his game?

Eat barrel, Bitch!

As I watched the complete destruction of Bananas, I could only think one thing: this is why The Challenge exists. Watching terrible people treat each other terribly, only to be destroyed by even more terrible people. CT carrying Johnny like he was a small child in a baby bjorn was pure Challenge gold.

And I'm not alone in this sentiment. After CT made Johnny look like an angry midget, the Challengers were little school girls back at the mansion.

My favorite Amazonian, Laurel, said that Johnny's loss was 'worse than dying' and that if she was Johnny, she 'would never show my face in a challenge ever again.'

Brad called CT's performance a 'Transformer Power Walk with a Boston Mumble.'

Derrick had a great impression as well:

Even TJ got into it (not during episode):

Totally worth the week long wait. Props needs to be handed to Tyler as well. He hung in there and outlasted Bananas. He also contributed to this:

Oh man, you can feel the depression. According to Derrick's podcast with Tyler, T-Dog actually lasted 40 minutes in the Gulag with CT. I guess eating like shit is beneficial in Challengeville.

Apparently there was another 41 minutes and 41 seconds left of this episode, so let's get to the rankings to address.

1. Abram

No surprise here. After scaring Sarah and Laurel into not throwing the Riot Act challenge, Abe dominated Brad in the final match. He's the alpha male of the entire show and flaunts it. He'll cheers his teammates knowing full well that they all hate him and also recieves rub downs from his hot pyscho slam piece.

If this was ancient Greece, he'd be getting fanned and fed grapes.

The only thing he's missing is his crown and pimp cup. Grey has $100k and are a strong fivesome for the final Challenge.

2. Laurel

Now that she's officially safe from the Gulag, the baddest bitch on the show can take her rightful spot in the ranking slightly behind Abram. From being a cold hearted, vindictive ice queen to weaker competitors ('You're JV, Cara Maria'), to destroying them physically in Challenges, she's been an incredible competitor.

With Grey locked into the final with the top two competitors, they should win the competition. However, if Tyler takes D-Rock out of the Gulag, the Red Team has three incredible strong dudes and (possibly) a couple of rowdy ladies.

3. Tori

Tori is a ringer. She may play the scared, frightened sweetheart to a T, but in reality she's a cunning, manipulative, Challenge shark. She's got Brad in her corner, a strong alliance in place, and could ultimately be the lone female for the final.

After watching her performance against tubby Tina, I have solid confidence in this girl. With so much money on the line (double the norm since her husband is in the mix), Tori should show up for the final.

4. Brad

Brad's ranking throughout the season fluctuated more than a depressed, clingy girl's weight. Yet no matter how turbulent things got, Brad remained safe from elimination. He really showed his veteran status and played the game right getting Tyler into back to back Gulags.

It may sound crazy, but if Tyler survives the Gulag and Paula gets sent home, Red could actually be the favorite for the final. Having three roided out veteran beasts plus a highly intelligent lady should make for a stellar line up.

5. Dunbar

The rogue member of the Brori alliance. At the start of the season, I listed some main points for Dunbar to succeed. The number one item on the agenda was 'keep your bottom-barrel bitch Paula on lock' and boy did he succeed. Dunny B played Paula like a fiddle, earning her trust only to fuck her over on the final Gulag. The sad thing is is that this will probably happen to her in the next Challenge as well.

6. Sarah

Sarah opened up about her proclivity for straight girls during Real World: Brooklyn (a fairly terrible season), and I think we have finally see something in the works -

Could you imagine a Laurel/Sarah hook up? I think it would break the record for scratch marks, tears and estrogen in a Challenge hook up (I'm not counting Abram's tears of joy during his Veronica/Rachel threeway way back in Gauntlet 1).

7. Jenn

Jenn is the only member of Blue to not go into a Gulag. She hasn't even received a vote. Jenn's gameplay this entire Challenge has been extremely effective and while the Blue team is down, you can never count out a team with D-Rock.

8. Luke

Luke is to Abram as Christopher is to Tony Soprano. Scotty to MJ. Avon to Stringer. Screech to Zach. He fit in nicely as Abram's yes-man lackey and really coasted to the final with only one Gulag appearance.

With a long distance final on the horizon, Luke should handle himself nicely.

9. Cara Maria

God damnit, I thought I had her figured out last week. Then the freaky deaky couple had to go back to their face painting ways. Let's try this:

The thing is, I can totally see Abram being attracted to the female version of The Joker. And to be perfectly honest, I'd hit it. With the face paint on. I'm really rooting for Cara Maria. Laurel teed off on her this episode, calling her JV and worthless. I hope she shows up and represents for herself and her squad.

And now, the Gulag peeps:

10. Derrick

Dude got beat to shit. The penultimate Challenge warrior and rampant Twitter enthusiast. He's the Tom Brady of the Challenge, so there is no way he is going to be placed below Tyler on this ranking. There has been murmurs around the web that Tyler sends D-Rock home, but I'll believe it when I see it. Until then, Derrick is in the highest position possible from Gulag competitors.

11. Emily

Emily is receiving the award for Greatest Breakout Performance for her Challenge debut. She made out with numerous girls, was the flame that ignited the Ty blowups and provided some pretty good eye candy:

She's going to destroy Paula.

12. Tyler

After an impressive showing against CT, Tyler is back in it and going against another Challenge hall of famer with Derrick. The real question is which Gulag they'll compete in. If it's push over, the sheer size of Tyler will give him the edge. If it's Cuffs or Dice, Derrick has the edge.