Cutthroat Power Ranking: Always a Bridesmaid...

Having your greatest expectations actually fulfilled doesn't happen often, so when it does, take full advantage of it. This is me taking full advantage of it:

What the hell is going through that twisted mind?

Three seconds and CT already has one foot planted.

Six seconds. Two feet. I repeat: six seconds, two feet.

Sweet Bananas Backpack, bro. Where ya headed?

High Steppin'. He's like a soldier from Hell marching Bananas back to where he belongs.

Oh look, Bananas is trying to trip him up. Good luck with that. Too bad CT is too busy to notice carrying his dandy ass.

Is Bananas trying a reverse reach around to throw CT off his game?

Eat barrel, Bitch!

As I watched the complete destruction of Bananas, I could only think one thing: this is why The Challenge exists. Watching terrible people treat each other terribly, only to be destroyed by even more terrible people. CT carrying Johnny like he was a small child in a baby bjorn was pure Challenge gold.

And I'm not alone in this sentiment. After CT made Johnny look like an angry midget, the Challengers were little school girls back at the mansion.

My favorite Amazonian, Laurel, said that Johnny's loss was 'worse than dying' and that if she was Johnny, she 'would never show my face in a challenge ever again.'

Brad called CT's performance a 'Transformer Power Walk with a Boston Mumble.'

Derrick had a great impression as well:

Even TJ got into it (not during episode):

Totally worth the week long wait. Props needs to be handed to Tyler as well. He hung in there and outlasted Bananas. He also contributed to this:

Oh man, you can feel the depression. According to Derrick's podcast with Tyler, T-Dog actually lasted 40 minutes in the Gulag with CT. I guess eating like shit is beneficial in Challengeville.

Apparently there was another 41 minutes and 41 seconds left of this episode, so let's get to the rankings to address.

1. Abram

No surprise here. After scaring Sarah and Laurel into not throwing the Riot Act challenge, Abe dominated Brad in the final match. He's the alpha male of the entire show and flaunts it. He'll cheers his teammates knowing full well that they all hate him and also recieves rub downs from his hot pyscho slam piece.

If this was ancient Greece, he'd be getting fanned and fed grapes.

The only thing he's missing is his crown and pimp cup. Grey has $100k and are a strong fivesome for the final Challenge.

2. Laurel

Now that she's officially safe from the Gulag, the baddest bitch on the show can take her rightful spot in the ranking slightly behind Abram. From being a cold hearted, vindictive ice queen to weaker competitors ('You're JV, Cara Maria'), to destroying them physically in Challenges, she's been an incredible competitor.

With Grey locked into the final with the top two competitors, they should win the competition. However, if Tyler takes D-Rock out of the Gulag, the Red Team has three incredible strong dudes and (possibly) a couple of rowdy ladies.

3. Tori

Tori is a ringer. She may play the scared, frightened sweetheart to a T, but in reality she's a cunning, manipulative, Challenge shark. She's got Brad in her corner, a strong alliance in place, and could ultimately be the lone female for the final.

After watching her performance against tubby Tina, I have solid confidence in this girl. With so much money on the line (double the norm since her husband is in the mix), Tori should show up for the final.

4. Brad

Brad's ranking throughout the season fluctuated more than a depressed, clingy girl's weight. Yet no matter how turbulent things got, Brad remained safe from elimination. He really showed his veteran status and played the game right getting Tyler into back to back Gulags.

It may sound crazy, but if Tyler survives the Gulag and Paula gets sent home, Red could actually be the favorite for the final. Having three roided out veteran beasts plus a highly intelligent lady should make for a stellar line up.

5. Dunbar

The rogue member of the Brori alliance. At the start of the season, I listed some main points for Dunbar to succeed. The number one item on the agenda was 'keep your bottom-barrel bitch Paula on lock' and boy did he succeed. Dunny B played Paula like a fiddle, earning her trust only to fuck her over on the final Gulag. The sad thing is is that this will probably happen to her in the next Challenge as well.

6. Sarah

Sarah opened up about her proclivity for straight girls during Real World: Brooklyn (a fairly terrible season), and I think we have finally see something in the works -

Could you imagine a Laurel/Sarah hook up? I think it would break the record for scratch marks, tears and estrogen in a Challenge hook up (I'm not counting Abram's tears of joy during his Veronica/Rachel threeway way back in Gauntlet 1).

7. Jenn

Jenn is the only member of Blue to not go into a Gulag. She hasn't even received a vote. Jenn's gameplay this entire Challenge has been extremely effective and while the Blue team is down, you can never count out a team with D-Rock.

8. Luke

Luke is to Abram as Christopher is to Tony Soprano. Scotty to MJ. Avon to Stringer. Screech to Zach. He fit in nicely as Abram's yes-man lackey and really coasted to the final with only one Gulag appearance.

With a long distance final on the horizon, Luke should handle himself nicely.

9. Cara Maria

God damnit, I thought I had her figured out last week. Then the freaky deaky couple had to go back to their face painting ways. Let's try this:

The thing is, I can totally see Abram being attracted to the female version of The Joker. And to be perfectly honest, I'd hit it. With the face paint on. I'm really rooting for Cara Maria. Laurel teed off on her this episode, calling her JV and worthless. I hope she shows up and represents for herself and her squad.

And now, the Gulag peeps:

10. Derrick

Dude got beat to shit. The penultimate Challenge warrior and rampant Twitter enthusiast. He's the Tom Brady of the Challenge, so there is no way he is going to be placed below Tyler on this ranking. There has been murmurs around the web that Tyler sends D-Rock home, but I'll believe it when I see it. Until then, Derrick is in the highest position possible from Gulag competitors.

11. Emily

Emily is receiving the award for Greatest Breakout Performance for her Challenge debut. She made out with numerous girls, was the flame that ignited the Ty blowups and provided some pretty good eye candy:

She's going to destroy Paula.

12. Tyler

After an impressive showing against CT, Tyler is back in it and going against another Challenge hall of famer with Derrick. The real question is which Gulag they'll compete in. If it's push over, the sheer size of Tyler will give him the edge. If it's Cuffs or Dice, Derrick has the edge.

13. Paula

It was a good run for Paula, but most likely just a flash in the pan. She didn't see this coming and will most likely be going home for it.

And now for a preview of the finale:

Hide yo kids. Hide yo wife. Dunny B is lubed and ready to slide.

Probably not the first time Jenn held a gun.

Look closely. Three red men right there? Uh oh. Trouble for D-Rock...

Soldier!

Hmm...the Red Team's stretcher is gone. Looks like they get the jump.

Is Blue's gone too?

Sarah's not feeling too hot.

That looks like Sarah to me. Anyone else?

Cutthroat Power Ranking: Back With a Vengeance

Best part of the High Ball Challenge. TJ laughing.

MTV has been on a downward spiral for the last decade. Right around the turn of the century, 'the channel of America's youth' went from a post-modern convergence of music, pop culture, movies and celebrity to a glorification of white trash pregnant teenage couples, deplorable dating shows, and emo pussies trying to cope with life.

But last Wednesday MTV really blew it. Touting the return of CT for two weeks, the episode ended before everyone's favorite monster got to work on Bananas.

Infuriating. Frustrating. Bullshit.

I feel like I've lost all trust with Challenges. It was like one giant cocktease. I'm suffering from reality-tv-blue-balls. This ploy for higher ratings for the next episode only pissed off die-hard fans like me. MTV continues to isolate the mid-20s fans of their three good shows (Jersey Shore, RW, Challenge) by doing this type of bullshit. Remember the highly anticipated Jwow/Sammi fight this season on JS? We got one hair pull and a slap before a 'To Be Continued...'

Instead of showing CT murder Johnny and Tyler, we get a tubby Tina being dragged by the always-spunky Theresa. Because this drove me crazy, I made it a personal goal to find out who wins the Gulag before the new episode on Wednesday. Consider me the ultimate editing detective, because I've cracked the case.

Next week's competition seems to be some riot shield/sand pit/battle royale between all three teams. Pulling screens from season previews and sneak peaks, you can clearly see that Derrick is alone in the challenge.

D-Money rollin' solo. Bye bye Bananas.

FLAVIN!

Another reason why it's all but confirmed that Johnny goes home is the comments on MTV's official Cutthroat site. Most people say they've heard from friends of people who are tied to the show that CT lifts Bananas up and high steps his way to the barrel.

This picture leads me to believe them:

Clearing a blue shirt being dragged. Tack on the fact that Tyler has about 40 lbs on Johnny and that CT has a personal vendetta against Bananas ('Johnny's got a mouth on him for a little guy.* I'm looking forward to putting him in the dirt'), I am going to go ahead and believe that Johnny goes home.

*In what crazy world is Johnny considered 'a little guy'?

And for the ladies? Well, that fat tub of shit Tina didn't do much against Theresa, but the look of terror on Tori's face mixed with her debating whether or not to puss out makes me think Theresa comes back to Blue.

'I just pooped my pants'

/rant. Let's get to the ranking.

1. Abram

Still ending up with a W while paired up with a teammate that hates him. He led with strong communication and will power. He's earned his way until the final challenge and by the midseason preview, it looks like he makes it there (see: vomiting pic). The only thing that could stand in his way is if the team buckles under their collective awkwardness.

They all hate each other. The dinner scene was like daddy just hit mommy:

With $80k in the bank, Grey team is definitely the strongest team. They have the strongest male and female players (Abe and Laurel), and a feisty secondary (Sarah/Luke/CM). Abram just has to continue to steer the ship and they're golden.

2. Sarah

Sarah has had a banner year. Not a single Gulag vote. Not a single tear shed. Not a single doubt she is going to make it til the end. She's playing the game like a salty veteran and is willing to sacrifice the well-being of the team to move ahead. While that might be terrible in the real world, that's a high commodity in Challengeville. Grey gets the top male and female rankings.

3. Derrick

Ernie is without his Bert and will continue to be until Cutthroat is over. It's still unknown if CT will be the host of the next Gulag, but Blue is strong enough to have a chance in the next competition and Derrick does his best when he's cornered.

Blue is also a very hardcore team. They work out and train together. That alone should command respect:

4. Dunbar

Dunbar is in the four spot and did nothing to contribute to this rise in ranking. Tyler's jedi-mind-tricks came through in the clutch for himself as well as Dunny B. By voting himself in with the 'I'll go in now, but Brad has to go in next if we lose' stipulation, Tyler insured himself and Dunbar in the final Challenge. Well. Played.

5. Laurel

She's playing with a chip on her shoulder and is one rage-filled Amazonian:

Luke should've never went in for the hug.

The big question is obviously who wins the next challenge. If Grey wins, everything is smooth sailing until the finale. If they lose, the question is if Luke will use common sense and put Cara Maria in the Gulag or if he'll go full-retard and put Laurel in again. It's obvious that Laurel is the strongest female competitor right now, but her steely (aka bitchy) tendencies have put her below Sarah.

6. Jenn

Jenn might have to become the voice of the squad since Johnny is in jeopardy. It worries me that both Theresa and Emily have been in Gulags while Jenn has not. Lately, when Blue is Gulag bound, a person steps up and vote themselves in. The rest of the Blue team might look to her to take the vote.

7. Luke

Luke is in an interesting position. He's the wild card/deciding vote on who goes to the Gulag: Laurel or Cara Maria. I'm assuming the Laurel snub hug has him weighted on CM's side plus he does have sway and friends in high places (Abram). If Grey loses he's probably going in, but that might not happen with the way they are playing.

8. Emily

Emily has earned respect and admiration from me. At the start of this season, Emily was an obscure cast member from the worst season of the Real World. Now she's a powerful bisexual and competitor.

9. Paula

Paula is an idiot. The entire episode she listened to Tori discuss throwing the Gulag so she won't slow the team down in the finale. Instead, Paula needed to talk Tori into fighting and winning this Gulag, so the Red team could throw the next Challenge and in turn, quit during the LAST Gulag. This would've assured Paula in the final. Instead Paula had a blank stare and didn't do anything. Fail.

"I'm going to tell you Paula, I feel like I've been playing this game with my balls in her purse the whole time."

10. Brad

Everything has fell apart for Brad. His wife is in the Gulag. He agreed to go into the next Gulag. His team hasn't won in weeks. HE MISSES HIS PUPPY. Brori might go down as having the worst meltdown in Challenge history. Everything was going so smoothly at the start and now they are worthless.

My fellow Challenge expert Jeff and I were discussing the NFL equivalent of Brad and we both settled on McNabb. Great during the regular season but continually shits the bed in crunch time. Brad just doesn't have the stamina for a Challenge title.

Crotch Shot of the Episode

11. Cara Maria

Okay. I think I've finally figured this out:

She's half pornstar, half pirate. If she was on Blue or Red, she'd be higher. But since she has the Amazonian and the Damaged Emo-Rockchick on her squad, she's on the bottom of the rankings.

12. Tyler

We've now hit the ranking section of people in the Gulag. Tyler is of course in the highest position possible since he's in the Gulag and we know that Johnny is going home. So instead of bullshitting, let's see what T-Money and Bananas are going up against:

Apparently, CT is a personal trainer. This is probably the greatest (legal) job for him. Scaring people into getting fit. I'm sure he's phenomenal.

Has he been crying? Snorting cocaine? Could you imagine a coked out, sad CT? Good god, send that shit after Bin Laden.

'I don't even know what's going on right now they just let me out of their cage and I haven't ate yet.'

It's pretty much a given that Bananas and Tyler get their dicks kicked in by CT. However, since Tyler is going in after Johnny (CT might be tired) and has 40 lbs on Bananas, he's staying.

13. Theresa

What a badass bitch. Much respect to T for not being intimidated by that fat lard Tina and powering her to the barrel.

14. Johnny

OH JOHNNY! How close you came. Too bad the Gulag you go in to is the one in which a monster with a personal vendetta wants to 'put you in the dirt'. You had a good run while you lasted, though.

15. Tori

Tori just wants to be held. And quit. It's infuriating to watch this transpire knowing that all the other girls on Red wanted to make it this far and compete. Yet Tori wants to turn over and quit. Pathetic.